In Pursuit of the Blue

As you sit and hear my voice, your mind goes blank for a moment. Darkness consumes you as my words reach your ears.

“You are I now. You see all that I see, you live in this story, this story is yours.”

I fall to my knees, my breath labored and raspy. My brain does not seem to be able to fully comprehend and take in sight before me. At last, I finally see it. I’ve reached it, the famous spring, the perfect water. A pool of water, that seemingly glows, in the midst of a dark cave. It is blue, so incredibly, perfectly blue that I cannot take my eyes off of it.

I reach for it, my hands tremble as they dip into the chilly water. I lick my dried lips, I’ve not had a sip of water in a while. This cave’s system is a maze and my waterskin tore at some point. A chill runs through my body as my hands soak in the water. I scoop it up with both my hands, bringing it up to my lips. I part my trembling lips, pouring the water into my mouth. Bits of it drip off the corners of my lips, some spills from between my fingers.

“Aghhh, that is amazing,” I groan out as I drink it.

Scooping up some more, I have another drink. It’s amazing, indescribable even. It tastes so pure, but there’s a hint of something in it that I can’t seem to identify. It appears clean enough and safe to drink. I did not notice any alien tastes that would alarm me. A moment passes, as I get up from my knees.

The tremble in my hands stops.

“It truly is a source of life,” I utter playfully to myself as I drop my pack to pull out some of my equipment. It is my duty as a biologist to collect samples in this uncharted territory. Locals spoke many myths of this cave, ‘strange creatures and plants live around it’ they said, I’ve yet to see any but curiosity consumes me. I scoop a small vial of the water for further testing and then gather a bit of moss from a rock by the water.

Throwing my pack over my shoulders, I glance down at the water once more. ‘Just one more sip’ I decide and kneel down to scoop up just a little more. Its taste makes me ever more curious about it, as I let the water sit in my mouth for a while before swallowing. It’s so unlike any other water I ever tasted, but I can’t identify what minerals might be present in it without taking the vial back to the lab.

Each step I take echoes softly through the dark cave. Beyond the reach of my flashlight is a wall of nothingness. I try to keep my mind at bay so as not to imagine horrors that may be lurking in said darkness. I take a step and feel something odd at my feet. Looking down, I see a plant. It looks like a crawling plant, nothing out of the ordinary. Although, it’s surprisingly lush and colorful, despite there being a significant lack of light here. None at all to be precise. Kneeling down I glide my hand over its leaf. It feels silky smooth, almost fake.

I snip the leaf with my botanic scissors, stashing it away into a little bag and putting it into my pocket. From afar I hear a giggle reach my ears, or so I presume. The cave appears to be void of life, or any kind of mammal life at least. Occasionally I notice venomous centipedes and other nocturnal types of insects, but nothing that would indicate the presence of large predators, which is good news for us.

At last I come up to an intersection. My boot got caught on a protruding rock, throwing me off balance as my backpack shifts, pulling me forward. I flinch in anticipation of a hard fall. The rough and rocky floor is going to leave bruises, nothing new but nothing pleasant. I grit my teeth, expecting pain.

What I receive, however, is a gentle embrace as Nick’s arms wrap around my shoulders. He catches me midfall and pulls me into his chest.

“Whoa there hun! You alright?”

A pleased sigh escapes my lips.

“My hero, right on time as always,” I tease him.

“Of course hun, you know it.”

Regaining my footing I plant my feet firmly on the rocky ground and glance up at last. His handsome, chiseled face is covered in a day or 2 stubble. His grey eyes look back at me, sending a shiver through my body.

“Okay you can let go now,” I whisper.

“Not even if my life depended on it,” he replies firmly.

“Ew, cheesy… can you guys like, wait till you get back to the room or something? Seriously… You are like teens in love, I can’t believe it.”

I hear Amanda’s voice.

“Oh, dear, do you also want a hug?” Nick responds to her.

“Dad! Stop being so cheesy, seriously… I can’t with you two… I’ll be heading out, meet ya back in the village when you’re done with… whatever you call this,” she responds with kindness in her heart.

“Exploratory Obligatory Snuggles,” I respond.

We’re walking yet again, we’re always walking. In fact, in the past 10 years, since Amanda was old enough to join us, we have pretty much always been on the road. We explore, map, chart and sell this information. That’s how we live, a happy family of freelance cartographers and explorers. Nick is a tracker and a hunter, but a cartographer by degree. I, a biologist and our daughter, Amanda, she just loves to see the world, so she learns from both of us.

“Mom?”

I hear her call out to me, snapping me out of my daydreams and spiraling down the memories of her childhood.

“Yes darling?”

“Did you find anything fun today?” she queries, and I nod.

“Yes in fact, I found THE water source that locals have been telling us the legends of.”

“Ohhhh? Show us tomorrow! Did you… savor it?”

I smirk, “Of course.”

“Hah, and didn’t call me over?”

Nick jokes.

“More for me,” I respond in a teasing manner.

As we near the exit of the cave, I notice something odd. We had been in that cave for roughly 10 hours today. My husband is practically dragging his feet at this point. Amanda is also tired, each step she takes is heavy. Her boots seem to guide her pace, they might be too heavy for her, but not me. Ever since I had water from that spring I feel rejuvenated, energized. Each step I take has a bit of spring to it, as if I had just woken up. I feel ready, ready to run, ready to conquer the world.

I regain my focus to the sound of them bickering back and forth. Something about the Elder Dominion, their favorite game, they play it a lot.

“What does it mean to be human?” asks Nick.

“Hmmm,” Amanda ponders for a moment.

“Human? Pffttt, clinging to your past as if it will save you. We are the future, WE will watch you wither away,” she replied in a deeper tone than usual, quoting a commander of her faction, the Wyrdkin.

I chuckle softly, and murmur to myself, “No, to be human means to reject the filth of the Wyrdkin, to embrace the purity they had given up on,” not to my surprise, my husband speaks the exact same words. It was his favorite quote from the commander of his faction. He turns to glance at me, “See? Your mother gets it. Humanity shall reign supreme, you filthy monster…”

Amanda turns to look at me as she leans closer to Nick, wrapping her arm around his back, “But mom! The humans are fragile. It takes strength and great sacrifice to shape the world…” she tells me.

“Yes, their strength lies in numbers, I say – LET THEM SEND THEIR WHOLE ARMY, we’ll feed their bones to our children.” I respond, mimicking a quote I’ve heard her say before.

“See dad!? She prefers the Wyrdkin, you looooser!”

She chuckles, as do I. I love her, I love him, and I love our adventures. I wouldn’t trade this life for anything in this world. This is my greatest treasure. With nightfall we reach the village where we’re staying, it lies at the heart of the forest that surrounds the mountains. The locals had been incredibly friendly and welcoming towards us. We did not expect such hospitality.

As I ready myself for sleep, I glance into the mirror. The lights seem so bright, ‘had they always been this bright?’ I notice that my pupils are dilated. That would explain the light sensitivity, it is likely due to spending the entire day in a pitch-dark cave, or so I assume. I’m feeling well, too well in fact. The tiredness I should be experiencing does not seem to exist. As I step out of the bathroom, I notice him laying on the bed.

“Draw me like your French girls,” he jokes, lifting his leg up and propping his head up on his arm, grinning playfully.

“I’m not much of an artist, would you like me to call that girl from the pub over? She drew that lovely sketch of Amanda, surely she could do one of you.”

“Oh gods, you take me for unfaithful?” he sounds concerned.

“No, no, gods, no, I take you for a wanna-be model, a hero-wanna-be as well.”

“Damn I’m awesome,” he whispers quietly but I hear him just fine. ‘Yeah, you are,’ I think to myself.

I crawl into the bed beside him. He wastes no time wrapping his arm around me. His voice is soft and it makes me shudder when he whispers ‘sweet dreams,’ I respond in kind and plant a kiss on his cheek. His stubble is prickly, but I love it. He is my world and I can’t imagine the world without him. He falls asleep almost instantly, as if an off switch was installed in his brain. I take a while, but slowly and surely his rhythmic breaths lull me asleep.

My heart is pounding in my chest. I am hunted, I am the prey. I feel its gaze upon me, beyond the veil of darkness it sees me clearly. It hungers for me, for my flesh. My back is pressed against something hard and cold. I peer into the darkness, there’s a lump in my throat as I try to swallow. Fear consumes me, my instincts surrender to it, and my body succumbs to it. I hear a step, and then a voice.

It is distorted, barely human, and barely understandable. It says something that I cannot comprehend, but whatever it said, sent a wave of fear so intense through my body that I jump awake in the bed. I scream at the top of my lungs, “NOOOOOOO.”

Nick jolted awake by my scream, “Sam!? Sam what is it? What happened?”

I see him glancing around, his head on a swivel, his face filled with concern and alertness. There is a click, the lights blind me for a moment and then I feel his warm hand glide over to my shoulder as he pulls me against him.

“Dear? What is it?”

My breath is raggedy, my jaw is trembling. I stutter, “J…ju…just a nig…night mare…I…I’m okay.”

I finally manage.

“You don’t sound very okay,” his voice is full of concern. I feel his hands caressing my back, soothing me.

“There, there. Relax, take a deep breath,” I grip his shirt, tugging at it as I pull myself closer. His warmth is comforting and the scent pine that lingers on his body is calming to me.

I woke finally with the sun beaming into my face. They say the sun’s light is gentle in the morning, but this is anything but gentle. It’s a torture more than anything. I crawl out from under the blankets, Nick is already gone. He’s probably roaming the village in search of new rumors and folklore to explore something new. Amanda is likely out with the local kids. As I throw my legs over the side of the bed, I flinch for a moment.

A jolt of pain like a lightning strike shot through my body. I felt my heart squeeze for a moment. It paused, skipping a beat, and then began to pound hard in my chest. I began to hyperventilate. My eyes darting around the room, ‘what is wrong with me?’ I question as I contemplate as to what is the next best thing to do. I lay back down on the bed and close my eyes, tooking a deep breath to regain control over my breathing rhythm once more. In, hold, and out.

I’m not sure how long I spent on it, but as I sat up once more, I felt alright. Finally, I am off the bed with my feet on the wooden floor. Has the floor always been so squeaky? Each board screams as I step on it, making my way to the bathroom. I turn the water on and wait, it’s cold, still cold, my thoughts drift for a moment, and then anger fills me. I grasp the faucet, squeezing it as hard as I can until my fingertips turn white.

“WHY! WON’T YOU TURN WARM!???”

I find myself growling.

“What is wrong,” I hear her gentle voice. I gasp, turning on my heel to see Amanda, curiously eyeing me.

“Oh, w…what do you mean?” I ponder.

“You, alright? You seem a little… whatever, erhm, they said the water boiler is malfunctioning today, I came to tell you that you’ll have to make do with a cold shower,” she said, throwing her glance at my hand that I was still squeezing the faucet.

“Oh, I see,” I respond but in my mind I growl again, ‘well no shit, I figured as much already,’ the thoughts surface on my mind but I dismiss them. ‘What is wrong with me,’ I ponder, shaking my head side to side.

“Thank you,” I manage at last.

“Yeahh, uhm, I’ll be downstairs. Dad said we’re leaving at thirteen hundred for the cave, still plenty of paths left to chart.”

“I’ll be right down,” I respond, releasing the faucet at last.

As she leaves I turn back around, glancing at my reflection in the mirror, “Get a hold of yourself, Sam.”

I whisper to myself, but my reflection seemingly disagrees with the smile I tried to force upon myself. It frowns at me, memories come flooding, where are they coming from I do not know. I am a cat, a stray. I feel a strong blow to my ribs, it sends me tumbling down the stairs.

A low, pained meow escapes my lips as I struggle to get up, just to feel sharp pain as somebody grabs me by the tail. I am now hanging from my tail, pain tearing through my body and mind alike. I whimper, hiss, and claw in all directions, but my efforts seem in vain. Finally, I fall to the ground, the bodies that were abusing me scatter. I feel warmth, somebody’s hand on my head. Exhausted, I succumb to darkness.

From the darkness I feel a sharp sting, a burning sensation on my neck. I yelp, screaming for help, my feet carrying me away as I run down the hallway of the school. Glancing over my shoulders I see older girls, laughing as they re-light their cigarettes. ‘Why are they doing this to me,’ my eyes well up, and as I round the corner, something catches my foot. I fall, hitting the floor hard, and it knocks me out. I take a sharp gasp, I am back in the bathroom, my reflection still frowns upon me.

I frown back, I am a scumbag. ‘I pretend to be a loving mother but what good have I done in my life?’ My mind tears itself apart. Cold water on my hands, it’s still cold. Why is it always cold? I just want a hot shower. The refreshing coldness awakes me and helps me focus on myself. I finally manage a smile, my reflection smiles back. I am me, still me, I am alright.

Breakfast is simple, a toast, a yogurt, hot cup of coffee and lots of chatter. They’re bickering again about their game. I hold the spoon firmly in my hand, trying to savor my breakfast but their bickering just doesn’t stop. With my thumb against the spoon, I squeeze it with all my might, bending it.

“Wah wah, magic is boring, I have the power of shouting very loudly…”

Amanda mocks Nick, for his faction is known for inspirational shouts before battles.

Oddly enough, I can feel his gaze upon me, not see it. I do not see it, but I feel it. As I glance up from my yogurt I confirm it, he is indeed staring at me.

“Hun, you alright?”

His glance darts to my hand in which I hold a bent spoon. I glance down, ‘Do I look alright?’ I think to myself, “Am I not alright?”

He raises an eyebrow at me.

“I, you look just fine, but are you feeling alright?”

“Yes, why?”

I snap back.

“Your… how’s the food?”

“It tastes like…”

I pause, realizing that I do not know in fact what it tastes like. Concern likely spreads on my face as I take a sip of coffee. It’s bland, and tasteless. How odd, it has zero taste, and no smell either. Memories of the delightful water from the spring flush over me like a tsunami. I drool at the mere thought of savoring that water again.

“It’s fine…”

I utter at last, wiping the dribbling drool from the corner of my lips.

As we walk up the mountain yet again, I find myself debating. ‘I hate it,’ my mind tells me. Hate what? I try to find the answer, it, this, him, her? Whom and what do I hate? Just yesterday, I am pretty sure I was happy. I must’ve gotten up on the wrong foot today. I debated calling it off and heading back to the village.

“Dear?”

I murmur.

“What is it hun?”

Nick responds. ‘I think I’ll head back,’ I try to say.

“Did you bring a waterskin? I want more of that water’s samples,” I respond.

“Of course,” he seems baffled and curious, but he doesn’t speak up. We make it to the cave again. ‘Don’t take them there,’ I hear a voice call out to me, ‘it is mine, only mine,’ I respond to the voice, to myself. ‘Where?’ I contemplate, ‘the water, of course.’ I really am unfocused today, best to stick close to Amanda and Nick, I might get lost like this.

“Meet back here in 3 hours?”

I ask.

“Didn’t you want to show us the water source?”

Nick asked.

“Oh, I can’t quite seem to remember it and I forgot to map it out… Let’s split up and look for it anew, my apologies.”

Amanda squints at me, “Mom? Are you sure you’re alright?”

‘Why does she keep asking me this, how annoying.’ I bite my lip so as not to respond harshly. A faint metallic taste fills my mouth, “Mhmm, I’m fine, I promise.”

How did I get back home? I had no memories of the rest of the trip. I was back at home, in bed with him. My hand on his chest, caressing him, his hand on my head, and playing with my hair. I purr softly. ‘So vulnerable, so easy to hunt, so present, so defenseless,’ my thoughts continue to drift uncontrollably. I slip my hand up his chest and to his throat. He swallows, I could feel it under my hand as my fingers slither around his throat.

“Ooohh, somebody’s playful tonight,” he whispers smugly.

‘Shut the fuck up,’ I almost blurt out, “Mhmmm,” I agreed, even though I wasn’t. I felt hunger unlike any I’ve felt before. I had desires I couldn’t control and needs I never had before. Something primal was awakening within me. ‘Do it,’ my mind told me, ‘I don’t want to harm him,’ I resisted my urges.

My fingers drum on his neck, my hand trembles hesitantly. I feel my muscles tense up, and then I hear a gasp just a moment later. I feel his hands on my wrist, pulling my hand away. ‘What am I doing? Why am I doing it?’ I sat up in the bed, staring at his startled face.

“I’m… I’m sorry, I…” I began but he stops me by placing a finger on my lips.

“Shhh, dear… you’re fine, you just surprised me, that’s all.”

With his lips on mine, at first I felt warmth but then cold brushs over me as a gust of wind howls past. I glance around at the trees and the darkness all around me.

“Where am I?”

I pondered, my eyes darting between the buildings.

‘good, it’s at least still the same village, but why am I outside? How did I get here?’

The flickering street lanterns barely illuminate the street, yet they provide just enough light for me to see my shadow. It dances in the flickering light, but something was odd. I focuse on it for a long moment, taking in the details of a shadow that did not appear to be mine. However it repeats all my movements, so it has to be mine, right?

Its appendages are elongated, it is taller than I should be. It’s a long thin shadow as if cast by a setting sun. I stare at it, as it seemingly stares back at me. Its body is unlike mine, yet somehow it feels familiar and oddly natural to me.

I tilt my head from side to side, it follows my motion. A shiver runs through my body as I raise my arm and see the shadow’s elongated fingers move as mine. I close my eyes. ‘It can’t be me… This can’t be real’. I squint hard, and then swallow. My throat feels dry, I crave something other than water, I crave…

“SAAAAMMM?”

I hear a shout, Nick is calling for me. My eyes shoot open, glancing around for the source of his voice.

He steps out onto the light from an alley. He’s staring intently at me, and I stare back.

“Sam!?” he calls out again.

“Nick…”

I take a step closer, hesitating. My mind blanks. No thoughts form on my mind for the moment, and no words come out of my lips. My tears are like rivers that begin to roll down my cheeks when I feel his warmth and smell his scent. He wraps me in his arms.

“Gods almighty, Sam, are you alright?”

I nod in silence, sniffles being the only sounds I can make at this moment.

“Alright, alright, you’re fine… just, don’t run out on me like that again okay? I thought I did something wrong… you dashed out like a hurt deer from a predator after that kiss,” he held me tightly, so tightly in fact, that it felt like I was enveloped by a heavenly blanket. He’s the world to me.

We began to walk back home slowly. Only now do I realize that I am barefoot; the rough cobblestones of the road dug into the skin of my feet, but I ignore the pain and walk alongside Nick. I swallow hard yet again; thirst, unquenchable thirst, “What does it mean to be human…”

I whisper in a surprisingly mocking tone.

“Huh?” Nick glances to the side at me.

“I don’t know… You guys always chatter about your stupid game that I end up knowing random quotes from it…”

He pauses for a moment, and then a hearty laughter follows soon after, “Hearing you mimic the quotes we say to each other is quite flattering you know? They say that mimicry is the greatest form of affection, did you know that?”

I shake my head side to side, ‘of course I knew that you idiot,’ I think to myself but do not speak it aloud.

As we lay there and cuddle, he, as always, falls asleep in an instant. I struggle to sleep. Even though his rhythmic breathing usually soothes me and lulls me asleep, that was not the case tonight. Something is missing. I crave something that he cannot give me, not like this. So, I find myself out of the bed once more, my feet on the wooden floor, trying to avoid the creaking planks.

The door does not resist me and opens smoothly. Beyond it, in the moonlight that beams through the dust-layered window, lays Amanda. Akin to an angel in the night, her blonde hair glistens in the silver light of the moon. Anger fills me. I can’t tell you why. I just feel angry, so incredibly angry. Memories flood me once more, the girl, the cat, the boy who cried on the bridge when we stole all his clothes.

I hear a gurgle, and pained gasps echo in the room, and then there’s a loud thud as something falls to the floor. Akin to a wolf, I snap to look at what it was, sniffing the air. Her pained gasps beneath my hands, and her muffled whimpers bring me joy, ‘STOP IT YOU MONSTER’ I cry out to myself but do not stop.

I felt my muscles tense up further. She was clawing at my hands, her nails digging into my skin, leaving bloodied traces in their wake. As I slowly return my gaze back to her, her tears-filled eyes stare back at me – full of terror. She isn’t seeing me, she isn’t seeing her mother, she is seeing something else. I smirk against my will. Her resistance weakening.

‘WHAT ARE YOU DOING?’ I cry out to myself in my mind, ‘STOP IT YOU’RE HURTING HER!’ I plead, ‘STOP, PLEASE I BEG OF YOU! NOT MY CHILD, NOT MY TREASURE!’ I feel my eyes well up, tears dripping down onto her beautiful mess of a face.

“STOP IT!”

I hear a shout and then find myself falling to the floor.

After the loud thud, a jolt of pain shot through my body as I impacted the floor. I feel somebody’s arms wrapped around me, squeezing me but not in a loving manner. The room fell silent for just a moment, and then her cough snaps me back out of my stupor. Violent, labored coughs ring in my ears, she is fighting to catch her breath. My sunshine, my treasure, the joy of my life, my biggest pride, and my prey.

‘Prey!? STOP THIS NONSENSE!’ I shouted in my mind but nothing responded to me, as I lay there in silence contemplating what had just happened. I felt the body behind mine shuffle, and then climb atop of me, pinning me down by the shoulders.

“Run,” Nick said firmly to Amanda.

“Sam!? WHAT THE FUCK!?”

He shouts at me.

“Sam…” my body seemingly responds on its own, “Run…” my voice is cold, harsh, distorted.

“Sam? What the…” his gaze fixated on mine, his voice trailing off as fear consumed him and distorted his face. Whatever he was seeing in me I did not know, but I knew that he was afraid of it. He looks at me as if he does not recognize me. I felt the vibrations on the floor as Amanda dashed out of the room.

It’s like I was watching a horror movie, every word I tried to speak came out distorted, barely understandable. Every thought I had was muffled and replaced by anger. Every action I tried to take resulted in violent hacks and attacks. Each time I resisted his hold, he got hurt more while I seemingly grew only stronger and more vigorous. My bones and joints ached, my body was in agony, my muscles burned, and the pain drove me insane.

I tower over his cowering body. Broken bones and a bloodied face, he stares at me in the silver moon’s light.

“I… Human…” my distorted, disgusting voice growls at him.

“No,” he responds between his labored gasps, pushing himself up to his knees. He glares up at me.

“AMANDA! RUN! RUN!!!”

He shouts at the top of his lungs, those are the last words I hear before his neck swivels, and his limp body hits the floor with a loud thud for the last time.

‘What… joy’ my thoughts no longer felt mine. ‘No, no. I’m a…’.

“MO..THER…” my distorted voice growled out. My aching body made its way to the window, glaring out in search of her, of Amanda, but no trace of her could be seen.

“I have…the…p..ower…to sh..out…” my distorted voice spoke at last as darkness consumed me for good.

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Related tales:

• Soft Sequel: The Perfect Blue
• Soft Sequel2: After Dark
• Soft Sequel #3: The Darkness That Follows
• Soft Sequel #4: Deep Dive
• Related story to explain briefly the history of the mysterious forces that appeared toward the end: Curiosity