Peanutbutter Effect

A dragon’s snout, a mere meter from him, sniffed. “Ah, what do you have there for me, little man?” Asked the mighty dragon.

“I, a am…. A peanut butter sandwich…” replied the man hesitantly, pulling out from the inner pocket of his shirt, a container, with a single sandwich inside of it.

The dragon sniffed once more and then burst out into laughter. In doing so, the dragon let out a puff of mist, but it was no ordinary mist, nor was it poisonous cloud. “Kiran, you’re hilarious!” Laughed the dragon.

Kiran took a step back in panic and gasped, inhaling some of the substance that lingered in the air. A snort escaped his lips as he desperately tried to hold the laughter in.

“Gahh…ahh.. What… No I’m not!” The laughing gas took effect, and Kiran bent over, laughing.

He awoke from the laughter, still chuckling as he lay in bed. “Ahh… man… laughing gas dragon, that’s a good one.”

He got up at last, with pain in his abs from laughing. In the kitchen, he made a sandwich for himself, a plain, simple, peanut butter sandwich, much like the one in his dream. His kitchen was empty, bare minimum, but he didn’t need more than bread and peanut butter to enjoy life.

As he leaned on the counter, watching the business of the street on the other side of his window, he pondered.

“Paithyss… I feel like I’ve heard the name before… Paithyss… ugh, stupid holidays.” He mumbled to himself as the crowd was soaring the street on the other side. “Annoying… they buy up all the peanut butter…”

When he finished his humble breakfast, he went out, to a store. On the way, he thought he heard a whisper.

“Come…” He glanced around, wondering if he was losing his mind, hearing voices. To his right he saw a man with a sign ‘Christmas Book Sale, 50% off’ and he was calling out.

“Come in! Come in! Find something for yourself and your loved ones!!! We have an author in the store, get a signed copy of a Christmas adventure story!”

He pondered for a moment. ‘Esmeralda likes books…’ she was his sister. Although they hardly see each other, the holiday was one of those forced family gathering times, and Esmeralda was the only person in the family he liked, so a thought bubbled up in his mind. ‘Get her a book.’ And so, he stopped, and turned sharply to head inside the bookstore he had no plan of visiting.

The store was, unsurprisingly, but also surprisingly at the same time, crowded. He wondered if people really liked books that much or if it may have been due to the sale that people just rushed in to get ‘cheap gifts.’ Well, he was hardly the one to judge them for that, he was about to do much the same. He stopped a young man in a purple vest.

“Sorry mate, uhm, who’s the author? And where?”

The young man glanced over his shoulder at a long queue leading through the side aisle to the back of the store.

“Line’s over there, uh, it’s some dude who calls himself the Penwizard Manroe. Supposedly a fun fantasy book, kids love it.” Kiran bobbed his head respectively and got in line. He waited and waited as the queue slowly moved. Something he did not notice however, was that nobody got in line behind him.

Five people ahead. He could now catch glimpses of the author’s robes and hat. Three people, two… at last, just one more to go. He could now see the author pretty well. It was an older man who was wearing a light blue robe decorated with various sigils and gemstones. ‘Odd outfit for an author,’ thought Kiran to himself.

“Indeed it is!” Replied the author.

“Huh?” Kiran inquired, peeking around the woman who was before him in line. She was making a small talk with the author, about how surprised she was by his book and such. The author’s response was to her, not Kiran’s thoughts. ‘Right… of course he didn’t respond to you, idiot…’ he relaxed, admiring the author’s fabulous, large hat. It was also light blue to match his robes.

“That you are!” Replied the author, conveniently to the woman, as if once more responding to Kiran.

His turn at last. He stepped up to the table. ‘Huh…’ He traced with his hand over three books that lay on the table to him. The only books remaining, all others were sold. ‘Cooking sticks with actual sticks, The Shadow Fox Prevails, and A Ballad of the Trio.’ He reached with his hand for the Shadow Fox book, but the cover and the title changed right before his eyes.

“A Ballad of the Trio. What a delightful choice!” Remarked the author as he eyed the bewildered customer.

“Huh? No I wanted uhh…”

“Indeed you did but you did not!” The author gave a snarky response.

“What? No uhm…” He blinked a few times, feeling dreamy, and reached for the Shadow Fox book, once more the title and the cover morphed into the Ballad.

“What the hell?” “Hell is here, now young man, have you made your choice? You keep going for the same book…”

The author grabbed one of them, and now all three were the same book. He flipped through its pages and shrugged. “I don’t see why you didn’t take this one in the first place. It’s perfectly fine!” Kiran blinked in disbelief.

“Aha! Yea, I get it… Penwizard… you’re a magician huh? Very nice very nice! That was a good one.”

Penwizard glanced up at the customer, peering from under his big, pointing, stereotypical wizard hat.

“Bafoon… My name is Penwizard, not a Penmagician now is it? Take your pick and be on your way, I don’t got all day.”

Kiran glanced over his shoulder at the aisle void of people behind him, then turned back to the author.

“Ah yes… of course, sorry, uhh, I’ll have this 1.”

He grabbed one of the A Ballad of the Trio books and pushed it toward the author. “Please sign for Esmeralda…”

The Penwizard took the book, flipped it to the title page and wrote in it. ‘Kiran the unfestive one.’ Kiran gasped.

“What? No! For Esmeralda… ughh… I’ll uh, grab another one.”

The author tittered playfully.

“Enjoy your journey through this magical tale.” The author whispered. At that moment Kiran realized that he never told the author his name.

“Wait huh?” his gaze wandered the table to the book. A gust of wind closed it, and the cover was blank. He looked up at the author only to see an empty chair before him, and a vast ocean behind it.

He marveled for a moment, and then the shock settled in. He stepped back with a loud gasp.

“What in the absolute actual hell?” His head on a swivel, he glanced around, scanning the environment. He found himself standing on top of a cliff, overlooking an ocean. A single table with a blank page rested atop it. A large tree to his right, and a steep sloped grass field behind him. Off in the distance, he could see a village of sorts.

What options does he have? Not many. Perhaps it’s a dream? Jump off a cliff to awaken? Or maybe slide down the grassy hill? Touch the tree? Check the book? Or head for the village? Perhaps he’ll call for help? What shall it be?

He sniffled, and slowly approached the table. There it laid, an empty book. He reached for it and then swiftly stepped back after grabbing it, as if expecting a trap. Nothing happened. He glanced around once more.

“ANYBODY??? HELP!!!???”

To his right, a quiet voice whispered, “Shhhhh…” He flipped the book open, thinking it was just the wind, rustling the leaves, while slowly walking toward the tree, flipping the empty pages of the book.

Empty page, one after another… He kept flipping. “ANYBODY HERE??” He shouted once more, peeling his attention from the blank page to glance around.

“SHhhhhh!” This time a louder, semi-hiss reached his ears. It was coming from the tree. He stared at the tree.

“A…..ANY…BODY THERE???” He shouted.

“Nyat so loudly…” a quiet voice replied. “ssstop meowting!”

He stared at the tree with a stern, blank expression. “You… speak?” He inquired.

“Of course nya do!” Seemingly replied the tree.

“Whoa…. A talking tree…” he marveled.

“Nyaaa, an idiot.” Responded the tree.

He approached the tree slowly and placed his hand upon its bark. “Oh wise one, tell me… I… am I dreaming?”

The tree seemingly yawned, and then a soft mumble followed. “Pawsitively nyat. Check the edge of the purrfect purr-cipice, glance down, and see what you desire.”

He marveled at the tree. “Whoaa… am I like in a fairy tale or something? Crazy…”

The tree remained silent.

He grasped the book, and nervously approached the precipice. The cat got up and stretched, his face distorted into a sly grin as he watched the idiot that disturbed his afternoon nap – approach the edge of the cliff so bravely.

“Nyat, seriously. What a bafoon…” Kiran stepped ever closer and then glanced down. Beneath him he saw a long drop, and then nothing but vast ocean.

“I uhh… I see nothing of what I might desire here.” He called out. The cat atop the tree remained silent. A second later, a mighty gust of wind toppled our hero, and pushed him off the edge.

He clung to the book when he found himself in freefall.

Panic consumed his mind, he tried to flap his hands, but the effort was in vain. He tried to grab onto the air, just to learn that the air was not solid enough for him to hold on to it. He attempted to summon the wizard, or the cat-tree, but the plea fell on deaf ears.

As he neared the water, past him flew a shape, it was a big, bulky, hairy man.

After him trailed a shout, “FULLLL!! AHHOYYYY,” He was bomb-diving, from an unknown location. Kiran watched as the man landed in the water with a splash and in panic, he followed his example. He curled up into a ball. He fell into the water with a huge splash.

He descended in the water, and suddenly felt something squishy beneath him, something semi soft, it gave way as a trampoline would, and then burst open. He was falling once more. A crowd cheered off in the distance as he found himself falling past a massive Christmas-tree shaped coral, decorated with pearls and shells.

“Pretty” he thought to himself before falling victim to his panic once more as he fell into the unknown, and a moment later, fell into a pool of soft and squishy, slightly slimy, substance.

Some of it got in his mouth and he rejoiced. It was nought other than his favorite, and beloved, peanut butter. He scooped some with his mouth, and then some more. Suddenly something grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and pulled him out. A big bulky man stood there, holding a scrawny man in his hand, presenting him to the cheering crowd.

The announcer’s voice echoed through the town’s square. “AAAAAAANND AN UNKNOWN PARTICIPANT TAKES THE WIN! WITH A PURRRFECT SCORE OF 10/10 HE WINS THIS YEAR’S PRIZE!”

Beneath them stood hundreds of people with fishy features. Scales and fins decorated their bodies. Kiran found himself oblivious to the strangeness of the situation and proceeded to lick the peanut butter off of his lips, savoring its sweetness as it melted on his tongue.

The big and gnarly man sat him down and tapped his shoulder. “Well done lad! Great dive, I rate it Full out of Ahoy!”

A mere moment later they fell once more, into a water slide of sorts, that proceeded to forcefully wash the peanut butter off of them. After the forceful wash, and an even more forceful drying, he was standing on a podium. A fish girl walked up to him. Her iridescent scales glittered playfully in the rays of light, disturbed by the water’s surface above.

He gulped audibly, his gaze fixated not on her picture-perfect face, nor her body of a model. Not even the shell-kini she was wearing. His gaze was focused on the perfect peanut butter sandwich she was carrying in a silver box on a silver platter to the victor, of the unknown to him contest that he unknowingly won. ‘The tree didn’t lie…’ He marveled at that fact.

She smiled warmly at herself, staring at her reflection in the silvery platter that served as a mirror. Patches of scales decorating her cheeks were slightly pinkish, giving her a gorgeous, natural blush. He glanced at her, ignored her existence and then wiped the drool off the corner of his lips, staring at the perfect sandwich that was presented to him. He reached for it but his hand was caught by someone’s cold hand. “Nicely done pal! You can savor that later. The news demand an interview, come along come along! Nerfira, take the sandwich to the champion’s room.”

He gulped.

“My..”

“yes yes, yours, right this way champion.” Spoke a bold man with narrow pupils and pale, cold skin. He smiled a toothless smile, somehow warm and welcoming, but he was not of the fishpeople, he was a human, toothless human, and looked dead. The interview took all of the evening, and during the night he was too tired to think.

The morning after he tried to enjoy his sandwich once more when the dead man showed up at his room to interrupt him again.

“Spec-tacular performance.” The toothless dead-looking man spoke. “You’re a hit! So where did you fall from?” Kiran thought to himself for a moment.

“I uhh, from a cliff.”

The toothless man grinned. “Ah the cat did a wonderful job sending a new contestant once more for the annual peanut-butter dive competition. Well done. What do you seek?”

Kiran pondered again. “This…?” He pointed at the sandwich. “And a way back home.”

“Home? Home… Outworlder? Fascinating dive for a newcomer. Where from?” Inquired the toothless man.

“Uhm… Well, we don’t have fishpeople, or… people that look like you, well maybe some sick people… No talking trees either.”

The man squinted at him. “What about my looks?” He peered into a mirror where his reflection did not exist, and posed for it. “I look just fine, no?” Kiran’s eyes grew wider by the second.

“Your…. You don’t exist?”

The man shrugged. “I do, just no reflection… So… a way home…” he glared at the sandwich and then at the scrawny man who kept staring at it, desiring to devour the goodness. “Head to the Sernala Markina Marquise De Lemon, there you’ll find a dragon so wise, and his wisdom will guide you back. However….” He paused. “You… don’t seem too jolly, and only desire the sandwich… That… might pose a problem.” He continued.

“Problem how?” Inquired Kiran.

“Well you see, our dearest laughing stock of a dragon had a curse bestowed upon him by an evil bi…witch this season. He may only be interacted with, and be visible to those who are in high-holiday spirits. Festive to be you must, to seek the dragon ever so wise! Be festive, be jolly, and dragon will answer your plea.” The toothless man concluded. “I’ll guide you to the exist of the Aquantis Lamantis, but from there you’re on your own.”

Kiran reached for the sandwich just to receive a slap on the hand.

“Nuhuh! The wide laughing stock of a dragon demands a gift for his wisdom, damned dragons… Scrooges, all of them! A total miser I tell you, greedy bastard… Take it with you as an offering, or else he might just laugh at you.”

Kiran let out a whimper, closed the lid and nodded. “Eh… alright.”

Out the town, onto a seahorse, up to the surface and onto a wagon, pulled by no other than a donkey. Past the town, and the next one, he found a flyer that stuck to his boot. ‘In celebration of the Kalisimasa a grand paradasa will be held. Come along, stay so long, the town of Celebrasa welcomes all, join the festival. Merry holiday seasons.’ The card read. Kiran shuddered.

“Ugh, holidays…”

He made his way up a mountain, it wasn’t particularly challenging, in fact, it wasn’t challenging at all. There was a staircase built, complete with signs pointing in the direction of “Paithyss The Wise Dragon THIS WAY.” Halfway up the mountain, he ran into a queue. Many people desired the dragon’s wisdom this holiday season, so he patiently waited to have his case heard by the mighty creature.

Likes of which he’d never imagined he would see.

And he didn’t.

When his turn came, he entered the cave. The center room had a massive pile of gold, and snacks, and treasures and antiques, and even skeletal remains of unknown to him creatures, but no dragon was to be seen anywhere.

“Oh wise dragon? I have come uhm, in search of wisdom and advice.”

“Yeah yeah, you’re all the same, speak up and show your offering.” Replied the dragon.

Kiran heard nothing, and saw nothing. To him, the cave was empty.

Paithyss watched the human curiously from atop of his golden pile, as the confused human stepped deeper in the cave. “Uhh, not so close… That’s quite far enough!”

Kiran stepped closer to the massive pile of gold.

“STOP!” Commanded Paithyss but the human did not hear, nor see him and continued to curiously approach the pile.

“Ughh… these humans… And this damned curse! I know, I’ll slay the human with my gas!” Paithyss grinned, taking a deep breath, but before he could let out a puff of laughing gas, he paused. The empty book in Kiran’s hands caught his attention. He lowered his head to take a closer look. ‘Penwizard Manroe’ He read the author’s name and then grinned.

“MANROE? YOU CHEEKY BASTARD STOP SENDING ASSHOLES HERE!”

On his head materialized a wizard.

“Oh come on, look at him? He’s like a lost puppy. He doesn’t find joy in holidays… What a miserable soul.” Remarked the wizard, leaning on the dragon’s head “Look how cute he is…”

The dragon barked angrily. “NOTHING CUTE! Another asshole, what he wants? Love? Knowledge? To pass his tests?”

“No no, this one is worse, he just wanted a fun book for his sister.”

The dragon snorted. “So you made him write it himself by living it out?”

“Yeah… Funny isn’t it?” Grinned the wizard.

“So what do we do?” Paithyss asked.

“Heck do I know? He can’t see you until he’s in festive spirit. Bring him back to the Celebrasa, let him watch the festival? I don’t know… I didn’t think that far ahead.”

“You’re a wizard, undo the curse.”

Manroe yawned. “Nahh, that’s effort…”

And on that note, he ceased to exist.

Paithyss grabbed the miserable human by the back of his jacket and carried him to town. Kiran was dumbfounded by his new learned ability to fly, that he failed to activate ever again. With sunset, the city lit up, not in flames of destruction, but fires of joys. Small lanterns of various colors took up into the air. Like hundreds of new-born stars that littered the black canvas of the night skies.

Kiran watched in awe the lantern show that unfolded before his eyes. Wizards stood atop roofs, channeling wind magic to push the lanterns around. They swirled and twirled and danced in the night’s darkness. Forming shapes and figures, moving as one in perfect unison. More lanterns were added. With time their colors changed too. A grandiose show that the whole town enjoyed.

Post lantern show, with a parade, the carnival began. People in suits dressed as their favorite heroes. Kiran marveled, awestruck by the beauty of this performance. A massive, few dozen people costume of a dragon swam through crowd.

“Paithyss” Chanted the crowd.

The dragon watched the carnival from the rooftops, bemused. “Hehehe… that is me indeed.” He chuckled to himself in the shadows.

When the parade ended, Kiran found himself stumbling through the crowded streets of the carnival. Activities, festivities, and food were all around.

Open-air arenas were erected where shows were put up, theatrical, orchestra, and everything in between.

With the first rays of morning sun, Kiran glanced at the horizon, a smile stretched across his face. “That… was fun…” he remarked. “Truly was, wasn’t it, lad?” Commented an older man in a big wizard’s hat, cotton candy in one hand and a plushy teddy bear in the other. “Holidays are more than just rush, haste and chaos, they’re fun, food, and love.”

Kiran nodded. “yeah… fun… Wait a minute!” He recognized the wizard’s voice, but as he blinked, the wizard disappeared.

“What a bastard…” Remarked the dragon.

“Couldn’t agree AAAAAAAAA DRAGON!” Shouted Kiran when he turned to face who spoke to him this time, to see a dragon sitting on a roof top.

“Yes I am, what gave that away? Was it the wings? Or the snout? Oh, I know, it’s my fearsome appearance.”

“OH MY GOD!” Called out Kiran as he stumbled backwards, away from the creature.

“No, I’m not a god, not yet at least. Though people here sometimes treat me as such, for my wisdom. I am wise afterall.”

“AAAA” Screamed Kiran.

“Aaaaa” Mocked him the dragon. “What ya want, traveler?” Inquired the dragon, lowering his head to take a closer look at the man.

“I uhh… holy… I’m having the weirdest deja-vu right now. Just like in my dream.”

“Ah that wasn’t a dream, more like a premonition of one of potential futures.” Replied Paithyss. “Ah…. I… I see.” Paithyss nodded. “mhmm… see? I’m pretty wise. So?”

Kiran hesitated for a moment, then reached for his sandwich.

“Your uhh, greatness…” He began.

“Mhmmm… keep going…” Commented the dragon.

“O’ wise dragon, I seek, a way home?” He bowed his head down as he slowly opened the container and presented the sandwich to the dragon. “Here is my offering for your guidance.”

The dragon recoiled for a moment, and stared. “You… brought me a sandwich?”

Kiran gasped. “Oh no…” In that moment, the dragon burst into laughter, spewing out laughing gas uncontrollably, flooding the city’s streets and the entire town’s square, laughing at the miserable attempt by the human to earn his favor, with a peanut butter sandwich.

Kiran burst into a laughing spree from inhaling the gas, and shortly, echoes of laughter flooded the city, as if christmas bells, but laughs instead. The dragon wiped a tear from his eye. “Ahh that was a great one.”

Kiran awoke from his own laughter, in his bed, a day later. He sat up in his bed, wiping tears from his eyes.

“Aha… haaahh… that was insane. What a dream.” He chuckled and shook his head.

“Gonna stay the hell away from the bookstores though… but that festival was grandiose, I should attend the local one.” His gaze wandered to a wall calendar, it was Christmas eve.

He leaned on his bedside table to get up, and noticed a book upon it.

“A Ballad of the Four.”

He smiled.