A Barrel Of Wonders

“Oi mate, ya want some goodies!?” whispered a voice from the shadows. A mildly intoxicated merchant attempted his best to focus on the figure standing in the shadows. Concerned as to why the shadow was speaking to him, he thought it’d be best not to respond. However his greed wouldn’t let a spontaneous deal slip by, so he responded, “Of course. What ya got!?”

His voice was fox-like and sly. A typical merchant eager to make the best deal for his wallet.

The shadow stepped out of the shadow with a grin on his face.

“We be dealing some shady goods mate. An acquaintance of ours brought us some legitimately acquired liquors. These are some of the finest liquors in this here part of kingdom, straight from the renowned and legendary Broken Barrel.”

The merchant bit his lower lip, his heart pounded in his chest.

“Oh, do tell me more.”

The shady dealer continued to spill the details, along with a bit of liquor as he offered a ‘sample’ to the merchant. The merchant savored the well-aged liquor with a smile. The whereabouts of the liquor did not matter to him. What mattered was that the barrels were marked with the seal of authenticity of the ‘Broken Barrel’, and only fools did not know that name.

He made the deal, and bought six barrels from the shady merchant, a fine deal considering that four of the six were some finest quality mead that’d sell well on the other side of the river, to a rivaling pub. He cared not about the other two barrels, not just yet. With a grunt he loaded the final barrel onto his cart. It was heavy, so heavy in fact he wasn’t sure it was filled with liquor to begin with. Nothing splashed around when he moved the barrel.

With his curiosity piqued, he tried to pry the lid open with his cart parked on the bridge. In the moonlight he pulled the lid, but the lid remained in place. He tried again and again, but his efforts were in vain. Hearing a grunting merchant who appeared to be in distress, a couple of local city guards rushed to his aid.

“Good night, good sir! What seems to be the problem?” called out a young lad in armor.

“Ohhh shit! I mean, oh good that you’re here, fine sirs!” the merchant panicked.

“I… was trying to… I am just, enjoying the moon… shine…”

The older guard circled around the cart, his gaze darting between the large barrels.

“What ya got here?”

The merchant smiled nervously.

“Uhm, just the uh, transporter transporting the goodies, from the Broken to the Drunken barrel.”

The younger guard smirked.

“Uh huh! May I see some ID and your license?”

The merchant’s eye shot open as if he heard a sudden explosion. He heard something, wasn’t quite an explosion, more of a gentle thump if anything. The guards heard it too. Their gazes fell upon the barrel from which the noise came.

“The… license… of course it’s uhm… at the bottom of this barrel.”

He tapped the barrel he tried to open previously, but not the one from which the noise came.

The younger guard glanced at the barrel and then returned his judging gaze to the seemingly anxious merchant.

“Are you quite alright good sir? You seem sweaty…”

The merchant nodded.

“But of course, I’m fine lad… It’s a lovely night and I was just, exercising a little,” he lied again, adjusting his posture. He looked tired while leaning on the same barrel.

“I see… exercising under the moon like some werewolf….”

The other guard reached for his sword, glaring at the merchant.

Tensions rising as a bead of sweat formed on the merchant’s brow.

“I… me? A werewolf? Now that’s a hilarious joke your protectiveness good sire.”

The merchant attempted to giggle, but it only came out as a half choking nervous chortle. The guards pulled their swords on the merchant.

“Stand still monster!”

One of them called out and from within the shadows, a howl echoed down the empty, quiet streets.

The merchant choked on his own saliva. Fear struck him instantly as he froze in place like a statue. He stared anxiously into the darkness beyond the bridge. The guards turned, their swords at the ready.

“Go check it,” whispered the older guard.

“Hah, nope… you go old man, you lived long enough,” the younger guard replied in full seriousness.

Another howl echoed from the darkness. The responding noises were whimpers and metallic clanks as the guards shivered in their boots. They stood on the bridge in the moon’s light, staring anxiously at the darkness and encroaching danger from within. They heard the clatter of a toppled garbage can down the street. The younger guard bravely took a step back and to the side, to be safely behind the older one.

“Okay boss so here’s what ya do. You charge in ye? Dodge the first swipe, roll to the side, go for the underside of his knees! Immobilize him. You may catch a bite, try not to lose your arm boss man. You got this, just remember your training,” he whispered encouragingly. The older guard nodded, grasping his sword firmly, “I got this.”

A few short moments later the older guard took a bold step forth, his knees shook visibly.

“Are you…s..sure that’s necessary?” whimpered the merchant.

“We’re the guardians of this city, we got this,” the younger lad replied confidently, giving a thumbs up to the merchant while taking another step back. There was no howl, only a sweet little bark. Onto the light from the shadows stepped a small dog, no larger than a shiba inu.

The older guard stared at the small creature that trotted toward them.

“Awhh… we got scared for nothing.”

He proceeded to sheathe his sword and kneel down, waiting for the dog to approach. The younger guard, leaning heavily on the cart, tried his best not to let his teeth clatter out of fear as he spoke in a shaky voice.

“S…see?? We’ve got this… I to..ld you nothing to worry… about… So about th…at… license…”

The merchant looked over to the side.

“What license?”

The guard tapped the barrel with is sword.

“The one in there mate.”

The merchant glanced down.

“Ah this one ‘ere yes!? Yeap! It’s safely in there you got it.”

“No no, I need to see it.”

“You do!?” the merchant gasped, “ah, see mate, there’s the problem. The barrel is tightly shut seal, and sealed on top of the tightly shut, no can do…”

The guard sighed, climbing clumsily onto the cart, he pushed the merchant aside.

“Agh, step aside, let me pry it open I ought to see the license.”

The merchant stepped aside with his hands up in the air.

“By all means officer, boss, your holy protectiveness, sir.”

The guard shoved his sword under the cap, prying with all his might.

“Hnnnngggg,” he groaned. In the meantime, a similar groan, albeit pained, came from his partner who got bit.

At last there was a crack, or a crunch. It was dark and difficult to tell where the sound came from specifically in that exact moment. One thing was for certain, there was a whole lot of screaming mixed in with ‘whoas’ and ‘wows’ with some occasional ‘aghhhs’ sprinkled in there.

The older guard seemingly screamed in pain. The younger guard, along with the merchant and a barrel all seemingly gasped in shock at the barrel he prying open. The one with the merchant’s license inside, was filled to the brim with glistening white’ish powder.

“WE’RE RICH!”

Shouted the younger guard.

“MY BLOODY ARM,” shouted the older guard. However his plea was ignored by the awestruck younglings who were mesmerized by a barrel of rich before them.

There was a growl, a scream. and a crack. Then, a clatter of metal on stone, and silence at last.

“Wow… that’s a… license mate, that’s a few licenses… that’s a lifetime of oligarch license…”

The merchant stared at the barrel of rich before him and nodded.

“That it be… half is yours, split with your…” he glanced around.

“Where’d he go?”

The younger guard failed to tear his gaze from the barrel of drugs, “oh probably went to play with the pup… who cares, more for me.”

A few moments later the happy younger guard took his leave, with a bag full of rich over his shoulder, weighing his every step. The merchant sat back at the front of his cart. He took the rein into his hands and sighed, “well that was a surprise,” he commented, peering over his shoulder anxiously.

“That it was wasn’t-it? Man I thought I lost my timbers there when the guard started prying that barrel, I mean seriously, what if that was me? You can’t just tear the cap off a barrel like that, he’d have me all exposed like some hoe!”

The tired, and dumbfounded merchant responded comfortingly without realizing whom he was responding to, “Yeah, that’d have been terrible…” a moment later the realization set in. He jumped off his cart, stuttering and pointing a finger at the mysterious white barrel that was seemingly talking to him.

“W…what the hell? W…why are you talking!?”

The barrel jumped around, looking left, and right, “who what where? Huh? Who? Me?”

In the meantime, on the East side of the river, in the dark basement of the Broken Barrel, the Ale Princess slammed her fist on the table.

“Ye hear me yea? We bloody better get my precious back before I rip this ‘ere city to shreds! Find me that bastard Draggrt and bring ‘im ‘ere so I can rip ‘is head personally! THIS! IS! WAR!”

In the meantime on the West side of the river, the bulky giant of a man. A mountain, as some might call him, the owner of the Drunken Barrel, Draggrt slammed some shady man’s face into the table.

“Listen, bloody here, you bloody… you are quite bloody! No matter, where ARE THEY!? YOU stole from her, where are my GOODS!?”

At the crack of dawn, with a loud creak, the merchants cart came to a halt at a checkpoint, but it was not a city-guard’s checkpoint, it was a mob checkpoint. The typical rowdy bunch armed with various makeshift weapons swiftly surrounded the merchant. They circled around his cart, examining the goods within.

“That do be looking like a fine drink there mate, where ya taking it?”

The merchant nervously swallowed.

“The Barrel!” called out the talking barrel.

“The barrel? Oh… he’s the boss’s messenger!” called out another member of the gang.

“Come on through matey!”

Before the merchant had the time to move on, another gangster stood blocked the path.

“Now hold-on just a gosh-darn minute here. We’ve been at war for all of three hours tops, and suddenly this lad shows up? Strolling through our land? Suspicious…. Tell me lad, what is the ‘pass-phrase’.”

The merchant yelped nervously, “Oh umm…” he stuttered. The barrel creaked, full of thoughts, and bright ideas. The merchant glanced over his shoulder at it. The barrel turned slightly to face back. One might wonder how does a barrel look? What does it ‘see’ through? Somehow, the merchant was certain the barrel looked right at him.

“The barrel is certain that the barrel is the pass.”

The barrel spoke. The merchant shut his eyes in fright, wincing. He was certain that the death would come, pinching at his back any moment, but only laughter followed soon after.

“He is the messenger indeed, let him through.”

The cart creaked through the checkpoint. A mobster whispered to the other, “was that really the pass?”

The one who asked shrugged, “I don’t know… first day on the job mate…”

“Well your acting was on point, they might even promote you after this.”

The cart came to a halt once more. A tall, huge man, accompanied by another couple of large fellas approached the merchant.

“At last, we waited long enough for our order! This war has proven too brutal for us, come ‘ey mate, no time to lose. We need these for the negotiations!”

The merchant raised his finger in protest, “Ummm, Mr. Draggrt? I umm… I was…”

The bulky mountain of a man slammed his mighty hand on top of the merchant’s shoulder, “I know, I know. You’re but the delivery man, come along now, you’ll be invaluable to these peace negotiations.”

Draggrt, at this point, after a few hours of war against the Broken Barrel, had forgotten about the goods he ordered to be stolen. He had forgotten about the thieves who apparently sold it off to some random merchant. He had placed an order for the finest ale and sake barrels to be delivered to him. He wanted to try and appease the owner of the Broken Barrel, for her wrath was taking a heavy toll on his business and men alike.

In comparison to Mr Draggrt, the tiny and insignificant mechant found himself dragged along by the bulky man to the negotiation table. He was but a simple merchant who bought some stolen goods from a couple of shady thieves in the middle of the night, and then watched a guard get devoured by a werewolf. He then found that one of the barrels, which was now only half empty, was filled with diamond-dust, a drug so potent and expensive that he could buy half the city with that single barrel alone. The other barrel, that was being carried on the other shoulder, opposite of him, was some magical talking barrel. Perhaps he had just inhaled too much diamond dust? He wasn’t so sure anymore.

What he was certain of, however, was that he now sat at the negotiation table. Across him sat the famous Ale Princess. Behind her were stacked 10 barrels of something that was thumping around like energizer bunnies.

Next to her sat a, familiar to the merchant figure. It was a small guy – a very small, so small he would barely would reach up to the giant Draggrt’s knee. On the lap of said guy, sat a cute puppy. The merchant shuddered at the thought of it, but he thought it was the same puppy that gnawed at the guard that terrifying night, only about four hours ago, so at least he could hope that the puppy was still well fed and not hungry.

Draggrt stacked the barrels against the wall, including the talking one. The Ale Princess — Saira, kept her gaze locked with his, not looking away for even a moment. She completely disregarded the logo of her Broken Barrel on those very barrels that were stacked against the wall.

Draggrt glanced over at the small guy with the dog and bowed his head respectfully, “Ah, I see you brought my nemesis Drafftr with you, trying to intimidate me, are we?”

“Intimidate? As if we’d ever fall that low, I was just…”

Drafftr shuddered as he recalled the memories of how he ended up here.

He was a renowned underground fighter, having finished his bout he was out on a nightly stroll with his puppy. His beautiful little princess Werenot. The puppy ran off, he chased after it and searched far and wide, then stumbled upon Saira who threw him over her shoulder and demanded he come along. Bloody battles ensued after, and now he was here, at this negotiation table. At least they found his dog.

The merchant glanced at the small guy who returned the glance. They both nodded at each other. Victims of the circumstances. Draggrt sat down, his mighty fist shook slightly as he folded his hands together.

“Ahem… Saira… I know things got out of hand, but I did not order theft of your precious Wondrous Barrel, nor any other barrels.”

Saira glanced over her shoulder and nodded softly. A grunt of hers stepped out of the shadows, a scar running down his cheek. He grinned and pushed one of the stacked barrels down. The barrel fell onto the floor, breaking into pieces. From within it a horde of bunnies ran out, scattering in different directions.

“MY BABIES!!!”

Draggrt fell off his chair, scrambling to recollect the scattering bunnies, catching as many as he can.

Saira grinned. Her grimace dark and mischievous. The grunt of hers pulled out a lighter. In its shimmering light Mr Draggrt could see that the barrels were soaked in fluid.

“Now then, Mr Draggrt, why don’t we hear YOUR side of peace negotiations before all these beautiful, wonderful, fluffy creatures that you breed to sell on the black market, perish.”

Her voice was cold and stern. She licked her lips in excitement, but that excitement soon washed away as her gaze finally fell upon the barrels against the wall HER barrels.

“YOU DID NOT!”

She gasped, jumping up from her seat. Draggrt jumped up in a defensive manner, “NO! I DID NOT! DID WHAT!?”

Saira slammed her fist on the table, “YOU CONNIVING BASTARD!”

Draggrt groaned, “I AM NOT! WHAT’S WRONG!?”

Saira glanced at the mysterious white barrel that seemingly turned to look at her and gave her sad puppy eyes, as if begging to be rescued. How does a barrel give puppy eyes? She wasn’t sure, but she was certain that the barrel was giving her puppy eyes.

“Do not harm it…” she spoke softly all of a sudden.

“Do not… harm… it!?”

Draggrt grinned suddenly, his massive hand wrapped around the innocent merchant’s neck, he leaned closer, holding him tightly.

“Yeah, that’s right Princess. You want your precious back!? Then you better release MY precious first, and we’ll call it even.”

The merchant squealed, the Ale Princess ignored his squeals and the misery in his eyes, “Oh no, I don’t care about that one…”

Draggrt recoiled, confused, he turned and glanced at the barrels.

“Aha…. I’LL CRASH THEM ALL!”

Saira whimpered, “No! Not the Wondrous Barrel, it was a gift! Although broken, uhh, useless half the time, most of the time, but a precious gift!”

She explained, “We’ll make arrangements…”

She sat down, folding her arms up on her chest and tapping her foot anxiously on the floor.

The merchant, gasping for air, searched for a way out.

In the meantime – the dog disappeared from the small guy’s lap, no, more precisely would be to say – the small guy also disappeared, but he was small enough to pull that off.

The merchant sighed, upset that he wasn’t small enough to disappear. The negotiations proceeded with threats of burning bunnies and broken barrels, neither side was willing to yield. Both sides agreed that they desired the other’s barrels at this very moment.

Soon came the new dawn, a new era for the city. On the bridge, where the sword of the guard still lay from that fateful night – a new barrel was opened, the United Barrel – Broken And Drunk.

From that day onwards, no barrel was stolen. The United Barrel was perfectly split in the middle, with two bar tables at either side, trying to outsell each other. The basement storage was in a state of perpetual war where each barrel was fought for with other barrels.

The poor, innocent merchant, was still poor and innocent. His diamond powder was returned to the rightful owner, and he no longer had rivaling barrels to sell the stolen barrels to. The young guard lived happily ever after, dealing the diamond dust to the shady merchants. Until one day he met the little lad, Drafftr and his dog.