Detective Hispida and the case of the Wooden Whale

In the dead of night, from the ceiling on a string hung a man. Clad in black and a mask covering his face, a typical thief. Nothing out of the ordinary, except maybe the hanging upside down. Beneath walked a guard, his lantern shone upon the art pieces on their displays.

“All clear,” the guard called out.

“West Wing clear as well,” replied another.

‘Not quite so,’ thought the thief, watching the guard depart from the room. ‘Finally, some ME time, me and art that is, meart…meart I like that,’ the thief slowly descended and glanced around the room. The floorboards creaked ever so gently beneath his boots.

He marveled at the various art pieces around. His gaze darted like that of a maniac between all of them, but he wasn’t here for them, not yet. Having to hold himself back, he focused. He took a deep breath and snuck out into the western hall, where at the center of the room, in a large glass box sat a wooden sculpture of a whale.

He licked his lips. The exquisite craftsmanship of the carved wooden statue made him shiver. Goosebumps covered his skin as he admired the chiseled wood. A placard on the glass read ‘Wooden Whale — an enchanted chest said to hide anything that’s put into it from the prying eyes.’ The thief smirked. His hands moved in a blur and within a moment a set of tools were rolled out on the floor.

A few precise cuts and the glass was no longer a concern. Another few moments and his hands were tracing the very curves of the carved wood that he was so fond of. It was the size of an average suitcase, the hump on the wooden whale’s back would open to reveal a spacious storage compartment, but the thief didn’t care for that. He much more desired to marvel the beautiful art piece for what it was and not for what it could do.

As the dusk changed to dawn, and the sun rose, along with it the guards were rallied to the location of the theft. Dozens of guards were roaming the city streets, as per the ruler’s orders they were searching houses of any suspicious individuals. There, in the morning sun that beamed through a dusty window, his pink hair glistened like a blossoming flower.

“So, you had how many guards at night?”

“Uhm, four.”

The pink haired man flicked his hair out of the way and glanced up from the floor where he found absolutely nothing out of the ordinary, but he had to pretend like he knew what he was looking for. Above him towered a giant, fur-covered man. His posture and defined muscles were a sight to behold. Intimidating would be an understatement.

“Anything, Nale?”

The giant lion-man turned swiftly. His bulky shoulder impacted the glass box that previously held the chest.

“No ow!”

He turned, bared his fangs and growled. The glass box seemingly shivered, so much so it shattered into a million shards. The pink haired man blinked a couple of times in disbelief.

“Nale, I told you to intimidate my enemies and suspects, not the evidence…”

“Ughh, sorry boss, lost… uh, temper…and…” he paused, panic grew ever more apparent on his face.

“Oh no…” he gasped.

“What is it, Nale?” the pink-haired man queried.

“Oh crap, oh no, oh gods. Oh this is bad, this is bad, this is horrible. I am doomed…” he panicked.

“By the gods what is it?”

The pink haired man rose to his feet, grasping Nale by the shoulder, “Easy, relax! What happened?”

The bulky lion-man huffed, his eyes turned mellow and big. Like two tea plates that looked gently into the man’s eyes.

“Boss Hispida… I… lost my keys, or forgot them…”

Hispida sighed, took a deep breath, patted Nale’s shoulder, raised his hand away and then slapped the puppy-eyed intimidating mountain of a person with all his might.

“Later! We’ve lost a whale, Nale. Don’t you see? This puzzle’s more tangled than it ought to be!”

“Yes boss!”

Nale took a deep, shaky breath, whimpering slightly but trying not to show it. Hispida grabbed him by the ear and pulled him closer. His normal, gentle voice was harsh and cold like a snowy peak of a mountain.

“Man up, I need you to be tough enough to scare those guards out of the crime scene, not to be a mop! I hired you for this!”

He nodded.

“Good, now get to work.”

Nale nodded again and took a deep breath.

“Alright listen here you blood bags! You meat sacks! You… blafooneys!”

He swung his hand and heard a tear. His claws tore through a painting beside him. Hispida’s jaw dropped, he stared in disbelief as his idiot of a companion just destroyed a precious, irreplaceable painting, a work of art and history.

“No…” he managed to utter in the middle of his gasp.

There was later a clank, and then another. A moment later Hispida found himself chained to his companion and a guard officer, being escorted to jail. The jail was nothing new for Atheris Hispida, but he preferred being on the outside of the cell’s bars. Not behind them. ‘What is behind the bars anyways,’ he pondered for a moment. ‘The bars have two behinds, the inside and the outside but both are relative to perspective.’ These were thoughts that entertained him during his carriage ride to jail.

In the carriage with them sat a handful of other criminals. A thief, a beggar, a brawler, and a con-artist. The thief whispered something that Nale’s sharp hearing caught onto.

“Boss, he said something about me.”

Atheris, snapping out of his internal debate about the definition of being behind the bars, tilted his head to the side.

“Who said?”

Nale, obliviously pointed his finger at the thief. The thief glared at the bulky lion-man and raised his eyebrow.

“What!?”

Nale grinned, “You, criminal scum, spoke of me.”

Atheris leaned back, resting his head on the beggar who was fast asleep beside him, and began to doze off. The thief wasn’t having any false accusations.

“First of all, you’re in the same carriage as me you moron. Secondly, I never spoke of you, I don’t even know your name you idiot! I told my friend about the Wooden Gale.”

Hispida jumped up, lunging himself across the carriage and grasping the thief by the collar.

“The wooden whale you say!? Where? Where is it!???”

Amidst the confusion and the panic, the thief thought the pink-haired weirdo demanded to know the location of the Wooden Gale, a tavern that he was ever so fond of.

“Whoa whoa easy, easy! I’m a thief not a brawler, if you wanna fight, go for that dude.”

Atheris seemingly growled and angrily turned his head to the bulky shirtless man who sat beside the thief. He was bald with a magnificent beard, muscles that seemingly could move mountains and red tattoos decorated his body. The bald man grinned.

“Do it…” he whispered in a growling voice. Atheris smiled in return, politely released the thief and fixed his shirt for him.

“No thanks.”

The thief took a sigh of relief.

“It’s in the West Lempera, in fact, the carriage is heading there, well, sort of. We’ll be on the outskirts of it, that’s where they keep the scum, like US!”

Hispida took mental notes of all the information.

“Where though!?”

The thief smirked, “intel costs money.”

Nale bared his fangs, “how much is your life worth though?”

The thief laughed, “less than the painting you destroyed…”

At last, after a long wait.

Atheris Hispida flicked a coin from the inner pocket of his shirt. It was gold and sparkly. The thief caught it and then pulled out Atheris’s coin bag from his own pocket and stashed the coin inside it, grinning widely.

“That’ll suffice. It’s in the Lorain District, by the Shady Joe’s.”

Atheris noted this intel.

“Who has it?”

The thief pondered for a moment, and in confusion responded with a, “uhh the owner’s name is Billy, he smells how he sounds, jolly and very chatty.”

The carriage came to a halt.

“Nale, do the thing,” Hispida said, and leaned back on the beggar who was still fast asleep beside him.

A moment later the lion-man poked with his claw at the bald bearded man on the knee, when the bald man looked down, Nale uppercutted him. Needless to say, it took all of three seconds before the carriage was torn to shreds from the inside, and the prisoners were running for their lives, which was especially the case for Hispida and his companion. The bald man appeared way tougher than Nale anticipated.

“Genius plan Nale. Why not piss off some monster slayer to escape the jail. Glorious, absolutely glorious my friend,” Atheris complained, being dragged along by the chain that cuffed him to his companion, who was running way faster than he himself. Behind them inhuman growl echoed from the bald man that chased them.

“IT WORKED!”

“If we die I will haunt all of your family for all of eternity Nale.”

They at last managed to lose the raging bald man who had a strong desire to unscrew their heads, ‘and likely he would have succeeded,’ Atheris made a mental note after he watched the man bite through the chain that held him restricted.

“We’re here boss,” grumbled Nale.

“Where is here, Nale? We’re lost…”

“We’re at the Gale boss,” Nale whispered.

“We’re not here in search of Gale, Nale. Don’t you get it? We’re looking for a whale. There are no storms and tales surrounding the whales. Gods damn it Nale,” Atheris complained, and then finally glanced up at a tavern named Wooden Gale.

“Yes boss, but you asked the thief for a Wooden Gale that he spoke of. This is it.”

Nale explained. Atheris shook his head, “No… he spoke of the wooden whale, I demanded to know its location.”

“No boss, he was talking about this, Wooden Gale, you must’ve misheard him.”

Atheris scratches his chin, pondering.

“Hmmm, I see. Well done Gale, let’s head in.”

Nale raised his finger, trying to speak in protest but Atheris dismissed him.

“Shh, not right now, we’ll talk later Gale.”

Nale sighed, following his boss. He whispered softly under his breath, ‘its Nale not Gale…’ but his murmurs were ignored.

They entered the tavern, it was very much what one would expect of a tavern. Dimly lit, bunch of drunkards. Shady dark corner tables populated by even shadier and darker figures in shadowy dark clothes. The center aisle was open wide and well lit for the waiter staff to navigate easier.

However, what caught Atheris’s eye was the barkeeper who was running between the tables like a waiter himself, and every stop he made he laughed and joked, knowing personally each patron and their preferences. With one girl he was flirty and grinning, his hand caressed her back, with another he was tough and strict. With the adventurers he was rowdy and with the thieves he was quiet.

Atheris observed the scenery for a while as both him and Nale took seats by the bar. At last, after long wait, the barkeep made his way back to the bar to fulfill orders.

“Oi lads! How ye be!?” he spoke softly. Atheris smirked.

“Well, and yourself?”

The keeper grinned, “Well, all’s well,” but Nale noticed something in his expression. His smile looked genuine to an untrained eye, but to Nale’s sharp senses the fakery was obvious.

Nale leaned to whisper this to Atheris.

“Good, translate his micro emotions for me, sidekick! Finally you’re being useful.”

And so he did, but the barkeeper was sharp too. He noticed his new guests whispering. His voice grew louder as he announced to the room.

“SURPRISE SURPRISE! Sale at the Gale for all of pale ale. Be my guests and do not quail! Pale ale at the Gale.”

An instant commotion started as the cheery crowd all called for the pale ale that’s on sale.

“Nale, don’t you think there’s a lot of ale going on around here?”

Atheris whispered, suspiciously eyeing the barkeeper.

“Yes boss, but he just said that the pale ale is on sale, so obviously they must have a lot of ale here at the Gale.”

As the noise only got louder, Atheris leaned on the bar counter.

“We’re looking for a whale,” he spoke louder. The barkeeper, busy pouring drinks and handing them out to the waiters, paused for a moment.

“What was that? You want some ale!? Coming right up!”

“No, damns it… Nale tell him.”

Nale pulled away from his ale and swallowed hard, “huh?”

“Ale for Nale! Roger!”

“No no, I actually want this ‘arctic Gale blast,’.”

Nale corrected.

“Ohhh that’s a good 1 yes.”

An icy blue cocktail was placed on the counter in front of Nale.

“This Arctic Gale Blast is on the Gale because of your awesome name, Nale,” the barkeeper winked at him. The lion man nodded excitedly and took as sip.

“Well?”

Atheris queried his sidekick in hopes of getting more intel out of him regarding the barkeeper’s micro-expressions that betray his true nature.

“Well, boss. It’s difficult to describe it, but it tastes… blue. Blue is like, freshy, mildly salty taste with…”

Nale exhaled, his breath seemed frosty and cool.

“Eh, good innit?” the barkeeper smirked.

“Dragons…”

Nale gasped. His vision turned blurry, and then white as a blizzard assaulted his senses. His body cooled in an instant despite his thick fur. He could feel the cold bite his bones. Truly a bone-chilling experience. Before him, hanging off a steep cliff was a dragon. Just a few paces away was a sword in a block of ice, like Excalibur it called for him to draw it and use its powers.

Nale gasped. The cold struck at his lungs as the dragon’s beady eyes focused on its new prey. Nale’s instincts kicked in and he lunged forth, reaching for the blade in the block of ice. His mighty hand wrapped around the handle as he drew the sword.

Atheris watched his sidekick pick a tiny wooden toothpick sword out of a block of ice and raise it up to the ceiling like some hero from a silly story he had heard at some point. Nale leaped up onto the chair and shouted in his growly voice, “BOW BEFORE ME! BEAST!”

Atheris blinked in disbelief, throwing a glance at the barkeeper who seemed very content at the moment.

Nale’s hand began to freeze as the power of the sword began corrupting him, consuming his life in exchange for its power, turning him into the next lich king. The dragon leaped down from the cliff and lowered its head. Nale got snapped back to reality when he felt something hot touch the tip of his tail.

The scene before him was quite the marvel. Behind the bar counter the barkeeper and owner of the Gale was holding two large Ale barrels on his shoulders. Concern was painted on his face. On the counter stood Atheris, shouting something incoherent about whales. Off to the side, on the table, danced a group of dwarves, singing loud and proud.

“Through gale we sail with ale in hand…”

The rest of the tavern however was engulfed in raging flames. Beyond the flame wall that cut off the exit, Nale thought he saw the bald man from before. A flaming blade in hand and a tankard in the other, his rage filled eyes fixated on him, as if telling him ‘I’ll hunt you through space and time if I have to.’ Nale swallowed hard and focused on the positives as his therapist told him. ‘Happy thoughts… at least I’m not feeling cold anymore…’ he noted to himself.

“Do the thing,” Atheris demanded, pointing at a wall.

“On it boss!”

Nale grabbed Atheris and threw him with all his might into the wall. Fortunately for Atheris, the wall’s integrity was compromised by the flames enough that he crashed right through it with ease. As he got up and dusted off, he grumbled, “Nale, we’ll talk about what the thing means once we’re back home… make a note of that.”

“No more Gale…”

Nale whimpered, “and the ale, it’s all gone…” with his gaze upon the flame engulfed building, he sighed.

“No trace of the whale, not even the tiniest lead. How are we meant to sail this tale if direction isn’t given…”

Atheris sighed and turned to leave.

“Do not fret boss, we’re not that frail.”

As they walked in silence, Atheris realized something.

“His expressions, what else did you see?”

Nale scratched the back of his head.

“Each smile was fake and his eyes were filled with frustration and exhaustion. Each compliment he spoke was filled with murder intent. Each drink he served was out of spite and not joy. He hated all of those people… and that tavern.”

Atheris gasped, “He burned it down.”

“OHhhhh that makes sense!”

Nale finally realized and connected the dots, or so he thought.

“He did NOT want to sell the ale so cheap…”

Atheris sighed, rubbed his temples and then glanced over his shoulder.

“We’ll wait till nightfall. Did you know – the criminal always returns to the crime scene.”

Nale nodded eagerly, “No, I did not know this.”

The night fell, and with it the silence. From the roof, a body, a few more fell into the canal but that was nothing out of the ordinary. In fact, Atheris was so used to seeing bodies fall into canals at nightfall that he no longer heeded it any attention. His interest was the shadowy figure on the rooftop, seemingly marveling at the burned-down tavern before disappearing into the shadows.

“Boss something fell,” Nale commented.

“Yes, the night did, let’s go.”

He dragged his assistant along through the dark valleys.

“This darkness tastes funny,” Nale commented.

“What does it taste like?”

“Ohmm… like dark chocolate with a hint of iron and rust, and some mud, very dark chocolate.”

“Amusing.”

They stalked the shadowy figure to a nearby museum and watched it sneak inside.

“A THIEF!”

Nale called out.

“No, really? What gave you that clue? Dark clothes and a mask? Sneaking on the roofs after nightfall, or perhaps breaking into a museum?”

“Yes!”

Nale responded.

“Sharp as a river-smoothed rock.”

They waited for a while. When Atheris was sure they would catch the thief red-handed, he said the regrettable words that he grew to hate from that day on, “Do the thing…”

As soon as the words hit Nale’s ears, he instinctively picked Atheris up, and tossed him through the window of the museum. Atheris crashed through the window and through a display stand with some, most likely, invaluable and irreplaceable scrolls, highly likely they were magical scrolls.

A moment later his hulk of a shape came flying through the same window.

“CAUGHT YOU!”

He called out. The thief wasn’t frozen from fear, or the fact that he got caught. Rather, he was frozen in place from awe of a pink haired man that came crashing through the window and destroying invaluable artifacts, and an absolute mountain of a creature that followed with a lot more grace than the one that entered first.

“Ughhh,” Atheris groaned, brushing the glass shards from his coat and picking it out of his hair. Nale took over the case for a moment.

“Stop right there you criminal scum!”

The thief raised his hands, a small statue of a chicken in his hand.

“Criminal? I am but an art appreciator, unlike you, art… destroyers… savages…”

His voice sounded familiar, Atheris finally recollected his thoughts after the concussion he had just experienced.

“You’re under arrest!”

Atheris wanted to say, but a guard that entered the room spoke first.

“Again!?”

Nale questioned. The guard raised his hand, a ruby red ring glistened on it.

“Comply or I’ll use force!”

Atheris glanced at Nale, then at the thief, or, where the thief once was, but no longer were, and then he sighed, raising his hands up.

“It’s a misunderstanding. We’re detectives on the case of the wooden whale, an artifact used by smugglers that was recently stolen. Your former tavern keeper seems to be the thief.”

The guard glanced around the room, seeing no one else besides the pink-haired man and his associate, he grinned.

“Right, and I am the king of Marmia. As far as I can tell, you are two vandals that broke in and destroyed an invaluable art piece.”

Atheris pondered for a moment and then nodded in agreement, “Yeah fair, all evidence does point to that.”

Then there was a clank, and then a slam, and in the carriage, a bald man grinned widely at Nale, who in turn whimpered out of fear. But what happened after, is a story for another day.

Prompts for this story were:.

Someone that is obsessed with all manners of art. Music, painting, whatever comes to mind. He’s just incredibly bad at it, and yet full of pride.

The character can taste sounds. They are very forgetful, and they lose their keys all the time.

How about a snowy mountain top where the lost saber of frost lays guarded by a fierce frost dragon?

There has to be drama! Excitement! Romance..? How will they keep warm in the snowy mountain top?