Accidental Mischiefs

It was evening, Max, the forgetful witch sat in her hut looking out the window onto the fiery sunset on the horizon. Max smokes her pipe, purple smoke coming out of it as she chuckled remembering something funny. Her companion, a floating toothpick, parked itself in her hair. Moments later a knock on the door, followed by hesitant speech – “uhmm… miss witch?? the traveling legendary witch?” Max was a youngish witch, by witch’s standard, she was merely 78 years old, a teenager if anything.

Max was genderless, most witches in the world were, could swap to any gender they desired… or shapeshift into an animal if they wished to, it was nothing unusual. 

1.

Max got up from her rocking chair and grunted, walking towards the door- “gahh! look at me acting like an old witch!” She snapped her fingers and her physique changed into a beautiful young girl. Since the visitor by the sound of it was a man. Long black silky hair swayed as she walked. She opened the door and behind it stood a farmer.

in his 30s by the looks of it – “ohh! uhhmm… did I get the wrong house? I am looking for a witch!???” he said confused, looking at her run-down gloomy hut and a boiling cauldron behind her. The witch giggled – “no no! I’m Max! I think I am… What do you desire, sir?” the farmer raised his eyebrow and smiled – “oh but.. I thought witches were…ah never mind! Pardon my presumptuousness! I… need a potion that’ll help my crops grow! The drought is coming, please miss! I’ll pay you well!”

Max smiled and waved him inside- “come on in!” a chair floated to her table as she gestured to it – “potion for the crops! yeap yeap! I got just what you…. need….” the toothpick floated out of her hair and flew to a flask on the shelf. Max approached it and read the label ‘scorpion’s venom’, she shrugged – “yeah that’ll do!” as she went to the dry ingredients shelf picking them up as she desperately tried to remember the recipe…which she hopelessly forgot! ‘Dried pig’s tail, rusted bolt…’ at last she picked up some dust with her fingertip off the shelf – “i… guess..???” she said out loud as she carried the ingredients to the table where the farmer sat and threw them all carelessly into the mini cauldron on the table, ignited the magic flame beneath it and poured in the scorpion’s venom as the base, chanting in a tongue the farmer couldn’t understand. The contents sparkled and boiled, hissing aggressively. The farmer looked at the witch nervously but dared not doubt the witch

Moments later the potion was ready and she poured it into a small glass vial. It was muddy green in color, smelled very foul, and would probably kill anybody who would try drinking it, ‘but surely it’d be fine for the crops, probably’ Max thought as she handed the flask to the farmer – “i… wish you luck! As for payment, bring me back some fresh radish roots and maybe some potato leaves!” The farmer hesitantly accepted the vial and headed out – “T..thank you miss” Said the farmer as he was pushed out of Max’s house forcefully by her and the door slammed shut behind him.

Farmer headed back home and poured the entire vial into the barrel from which he waters his crops. The water turned muddy green and smelled like rotten flesh and rusted metal. Disgusted by the smell the farmed still watered his crops with this…’liquid death’ as he described it to his friends. Weeks passed and crops were healthy…although they glowed at night! ‘Strange’ thought the farmer but he carried on.

Another couple of weeks passed and he was awoken by a massive earthquake. As he looked out the window he saw a carrot the size of a castle standing on its tip in the ground! But then a gust of wind toppled it and the giant carrot fell onto the neighboring fields. Nobody was hurt…. but the crops were destroyed, the carrot also glowed at night! But… It appeared edible! So at least the entire village had a practically endless supply of carrots!

2. 

Few days passed! Max was already in a new place, you see, witches don’t stay in 1 place long, especially Max… Max knows their potions can cause a commotion. A knock on the door early in the morning, Max had just woken up. Gruntingly Max approached the door and opened it, but before her nobody stood. She closed the door and heard a young girl’s voice – “RUDE!” Max opened the door again, looking like an old bearded man this time – “Huh??” he looked around but saw no one -“DOWN! HERE!” The girl said.

Max looked down and saw a teeny tiny mouse standing there waving at her- “hiii miss witch” the mouse said – “uhhmm… are you not the witch? I thought a witch lived here, but you’re a man!??” the mouse said confused. Max knelt down and picked her up by the tail – “blah blah witches are all old and wrinkly women! yes yes, what do you want little thing?” said the witch walking inside and slamming the door behind him. The mouse squealed as she reached up to grab Max’s finger

The mouse spoke – “i… wish to be a human girl! As you can tell… I’m a mouse!” Max nodded – “obviously… sure! a human you shall be!” Max sat her on his shoulder and walked over to the ‘bases’ shelf picking up a bottle that said ‘Human tears’ he nodded confidently -“wonderful base!”  he walked over to dry ingredients trying to remember the recipe mumbling to himself ‘something something grape juice, dried horned toad’s leg, eggs…fresh or pickled? boiled!!!’ he grabbed the ingredients.

As he walked back over to the table he threw the ingredients into the cauldron and lit the magic flame! Pouring the human tears, except…he didn’t notice that the bottle said ‘man tears’ instead of ‘Human’ which were meant to be a mix of tears of all genders and ages… Our sleepy witch stirred the potion and cackled. The contents all dissolved quickly and the liquid turned transparent, so transparent it’s as if there was nothing in the cauldron. He picked up a dropper and put exactly 1 drop into it, giving it to the mouse – “drink this!”

The mouse did as the witch said and drank the drop of potion. At first, nothing happened, the witch nodded and said – “yes of course! It takes time!  go home, but not in your cave, you’ll drop into a human, afterall, sleep outside!” The mouse licked Max’s cheek, ran down and to the door squeezing under the door – “thank you witch!!!” she said as she ran back into the forest. Days passed and the mouse found herself growing…. Her voice changed into a raspy man’s voice…. and her body transformed.

Her body transformed into an ugly toad, a huge ugly toad, the size of a dog. She spent her days living in the swamp as the king of the swamp now. The witch’s potion did not work quite as intended this time either!

3.

The same day of the mouse’s visit, Max moved his house once more and got a viti in the afternoon. A loud bang on the door followed by a deep, cold, creepy voice – “WITCH! OPEN UP IF YOU VALUE YOUR LIFE!!” The witch transformed into a monkey and walked to the door. It opened the door and grinned at the demon on the other side- “oooo aaaaahh!! A demon!” exclaimed the monkey. Before Max stood a demon, but no mere demon, it was a duke of hell, 1 of 7! – “Witch! I need a potion!!” the demon demanded.

The monkey nodded – “mhmmmm and…?? what cha need?” the demon duke walked past the witch that had the appearance of a medium sized monkey and looked around -“filthy… Ahem, I need a potion to turn into a dog! I must scout the church!” The witch pointed at the floating chair by the desk and the cauldron on the desk – “take a seat! Coming right up!” As Max looked through the shelf of base liquids, he thought – ‘whale sperm, should make for a fine base for this potion, probably’ as he grabbed it.

the monkey walked over to other ingredients and suddenly remembered that they needed a black demon’s foot for 1 of the recipes…they couldn’t remember which though. ‘Oh I got it’ Thought Max as he climbed up the shelves and picked up ‘Holy water, Sleeping Dandellion’s pollen, a knife, a dog’s k9 fang, and spark powder’ He jumped on the table and looked at the demon – “so… turn into a dog? So be it so be it!” He tossed the ingredients into the cauldron and poured in the bottle’s contents and stirring enthusiastically, the horrible smell filled the room to which the witch did not react, and neither did the demon for he was used to the foul smells and disgusting environments after all. The contents boiled and bubbled, and foam formed at the top of it as the contents dissolved. The liquid turned black as the night and Max scooped it up into a cup handing it over to the demon – “chug it duke of hell!” The demon looked at her and smirked as he chugged the contents. It tasted…salty and disgusting.

Not a moment later the demon passed out with no chance to retaliate or resist. He awoke in the middle of the ocean, missing a foot… a giant axe sticking out of his chest, his face grew tentacles and he was on a raft wearing a pirate’s hat and jacket. His missing foot was replaced with a wooden peg. – “Demons take everything! that happened to me???” Beside him a chest and a skeleton with a sign – “capt’n we did what we could ”. The chest was empty…

4.

A few days later, Max is on a beach, her house beside her, she looks like a woman in her 30s, with gorgeous red hair, and sunglasses, enjoying the sun, when she suddenly hears a horse. She turns to look and sees a horse…riding on a man’s back. The man collapses breathing hard and the horse speaks – “good witch! Lift this curse!!! We were cursed to swap our bodies!” says the horse as the man beside it starts foaming at the mouth. The witch throws some sand at the collapsed man and nods

The man takes a deep breath and awakens, standing on all 4… The witch sighs – “ughh.. this’ll be a tough one, and I was just enjoying some rest, wait here!” she says as she walks into her hut and starts preparing the ingredients: ‘burning cocktail of molotshnitzel, black demon’s foot, a monocle of the last gentleman in the world, a broken memory crystal shard, catnip, and a cactus juice.’ She mixed the ingredients and the drink looked quite pleasant. It smells like wine and looks blue and clear. She went back outside bearing a mug and a glass potion bottle filled with the potion. 

Handing the mug to the man and the bottle to the horse, then realized her mistake and swapped which 1 she was offering to whom. The man, being the horse, doesn’t know how to drink from a bottle, so she has to hand-feed him. The horse, that is the man slurps up the contents out of the mug and burps – “AH YES! THIS IS THE GOOD STUFF! IT’S WORKING!” 

The witch shrugs and shakes her head hesitantly – “i… no…don’t think so…” the horse, the man that is in the horse’s body now grows whiskers and cat ears…. The horse, that is in the man’s body rather quickly begins transforming into a catgirl, growing cat ears, and a tail, the horse meows still standing on all fours as the man in the horses body leaps back in confusion, and meows as well, suddenly a portal opens up behind them and they get sucked in, a portal to hell. It collapses the same moment the horse and the man, err… cat girl are sucked through. Max shrugs and thinks – “huh… thought I remembered that recipe right….” she went back to sunbathing – ‘oh well, no point in worrying about what’s already done… surely I won’t mess the next 1 up!’ she thought to herself as she drifted asleep.

5.

She was awoken by a doll sitting on top of her, as she is now, somehow, asleep on the roof of her hut, on top of a snowy mountain, still looking like a redhead in a bikini. She looks at the doll and yawns – “huh? 1 moment!” She gets up and spins a few times, turning into an old, hunched-over lady, wearing warm fuzzy robes, she slips, falls, and slides off the sloped roof of her hut, falling to the ground with a loud thud and a crack – “owwhhhh! I think I broke my hip!” she speaks in an old woman’s voice as the doll lands on her head, silently. It’s a rather cute doll, a plushy girly doll, wearing pink dress. The witch stands up and drinks something, which makes her spew a fireball out – “nope! wrong thing!” she says as the fireball hits the trees and starts a forest fire at the mountain’s peak. She drinks another potion and then gets up – “alright little thing…”

she says as the flames are blazing and crackling behind her – “what do you need?” the doll, with a terrified expression, points at the burning forest which the witch ignores and heads inside the hut – “i can’t hear you, speak louder! Old people have bad hearing, you know??” the doll looks at her with an absolutely shocked expression but then shakes her head. The witch assumes the doll can’t speak so she hands her a paper and a quill. The doll writes – “I want to be a real boy” the witch smirks

“Ah, yes yes! A doll that wishes to be a real boy…where have I heard that before…. ah don’t mind that! I do remember the recipe for this 1 in fact! quite vividly!” She grabs a bottle of distilled water, a stone golem’s heart that is still beating on the shelf, and a fragment of the memory crystal and  throws them into the cauldron on the table beside the doll, stirring as she’s scratching her head -“gah…. why is it not turning…. wha…what am I missing..? I’m missing something!”

She looks at the doll as the doll jumps on a book and looks inside the cauldron that looks like boiling water with a pulsing rock and a crystal fragment sitting at the bottom of it. Nothing is happening. The witch  grabs eggs off the shelf and tosses them in. The water turns pink but still no desired reaction. The doll looks at the witch with his head tilted to the side and confusion in his eyes, when suddenly the witch exclaims – “AHH I REMEMBER!”

She grabbed the doll and tossed it into the cauldron without thinking, the potion instantly turned purple and sparkled brightly! She cheered as she celebrated the success – “SEE??? I got it! You’ll be a real boy no…..w…..” she said as she looked at the book where the doll stood before she tossed it into the cauldron – “…” she witch looked around – “…d….doll…??? must’ve left… right??” she looked into the cauldron and shook her head – “woops…”

6.

Max found himself on the outskirts of a city right by the walls, sitting by the window, admiring the busy city streets when a loud thud caught his attention. Max now looks like a 15-year-old boy, he approaches the door and opens it, by the door a large ape stood, the ape turned and looked at the boy and smiled, bearing its yellow teeth to the boy he walked in and looked around. Max raised his eyebrow and shrugged – “so… never had a monkey as a client before, how can I help you mister…ape??”

the ape handed to max a crumpled paper. Max straightened it out on the table and read -“i, son of lord VanDanMan desire a potion to turn my monkey servant into a dragon” Max chuckled – “what a childish request… sure! I never say no!” He went and grabbed a bottle of ‘lizard’s saliva’ to use for base, a dragon’s scale, cat’s claw, raven’s feather, a testicle of an unknown creature, and a mysterious creature’s horn’s powder. “weird ingredients but I think this should do the trick” he said.

as he threw the ingredients into the pot one at a time he remembered he’s missing ‘goop juice’, you might wonder what that is, well simply put it’s snail’s slime. He went searching for it but couldn’t find any…so he settled on blowing his nose into the cauldron instead. “close enough” he said as the ape sat on the floor staring at him with a terrified expression.

‘Rightfully so’ thought Max as he proceeded to steer the contents and chant. Moments later reactions took place. At first the cauldron vibrated, then the contents solidified into ice, but then exploded into a fiery mushroom cloud. Merely a few drops were left. Max stood before the cauldron, his face black from soot, the room covered in dense smoke, his breathing is hard but he doesn’t care he’s an immortal witch after all. His hair is on fire…. His eyebrows are gone. He grinned as he grabbed a dropper.

He collected the few remaining drops of the potion and walked over to the ape who had now crawled under a table and told it – “Alright, don’t worry! Open your mouth, drink this!” The ape hesitated but did as instructed, surprisingly smart, this monkey was. A moment later the monkey exploded in a flashbang, fur flew all around. Max stumbled back in confusion – “i…guess the snot didn’t do the trick huh…” The ape found itself standing in the middle of New York City, completely bald.

Confused ape pulled on passing by human’s hands but none paid it any attention. Days passed as the bald ape traversed the busy streets of New York. Sharing shelter with rats in the sewers until it found itself in central square park. THe bald monkey did not make it its home for after a day there, it was hunted by animal control. It was captured and brought to the New York Zoo where it found itself rather uncomfortable… Humans started and pointed at it

‘I was destined to be a mighty dragon’ thought the ape as it danced for the visitors.

7.

Max found that by miscalculation during teleport she ended up time traveling. Her hut now replaced McDonald’s restroom in London. A British lad walked in to do his business and before him stood a stunning brunette – “oh, a new customer so soon? Not even a knock? well whatever!” she said as she pointed at the chair by the table – “what do you want?” the young man, eyes wide open – “uhh… just wanted to take a piss?” The witch scratched her head – “oh, problems urinating? sure I’ll make something.

The young man turned around to leave but the door was gone, next he knew, a broom was forcing him into the chair as the gorgeous brunette silently picked out things from the shelf. ‘Dry rat’s lung, turtle’s tongue, deer urine, spring water, and shark’s fin’ She tossed ingredients in the cauldron and looked at the obviously confused young man – “say, what year is this?” the man looked around – “eh… It would be 2016 I reckon? What… ??” she nodded – “Ah snaked bite my ass what have I done…”

The young man was even more confused now as the witch continued mumbling to herself – “I traveled not only time but also space and ended up in a parallel universe, wild… can you believe it?” She looked at the man in-between steering who had absolutely no clue what was happening and was thinking he had some special mushrooms on his burger. She chanted a short spell and the contents turned yellow. She poured it into a cup and dropped into a wooden chip which instantly dissolved and gave it.

the man accepted hesitantly and took a sip – “W…why…thank you… uhh… for your kindness… oh witch of the restroom” he said hesitantly as he drank. To his surprise, the unknown mix of ingredients actually tasted decent, but suddenly he found himself feeling thirsty. So he drank more and more, but the more he drank the thirstier he got. Until he found himself chugging the entire cauldron. Max stood with her hand over her mouth, completely stunned by what was happening.

The man’s belly swelled as he drank the contents, he grew a tail, a rat’s tail, and fish gills appeared on his neck. His skin was covered with scales as he struggled to breathe. Moments later he found himself not breathing at all, but not dying either, he felt incredibly thirsty and confused. Max made the magic broom sweep him out the door and lock the door.

8.

Max thought to herself that she really ought to start writing down recipes for potions that work, but then…she forgot that thought and teleported her hut once again. This time, it was the middle of the night when a knock on the window woke her up. She looked out the window and saw a forest giant girl who was sitting by her hut, a giant pickaxe resting on the ground beside her- “Witch? Sorry to wake you! I need your help!” Max shapeshifted into a bird and flew up to the giant’s shoulder.

The giant smiled – “Oh great witch! Help me. I fell in love with a man… but he’s a human man…. A human who is up to my knee and a giant can’t have a relationship. Make me a potion to turn into a human forever! I’ll reward you with the riches of the forest giants” The witch smiled as she turned into a girl again and giggled -“aawwwhh! Cute love! Don’t worry I won’t mess this up!” She said as she jumped off the giant’s shoulder, turning into a bird mid-fall and flying into her hut. 

“What do you mean won’t mess this up?” said the giant, but received no response as Max began collecting ingredients ‘Liquid gold, toxic spores, something called ‘ketchup’ which she picked up a few packs off at the McDonalds a day earlier, angel’s feather, gnome gene extract, a wooden puppet’s nose.’ She contemplated the ingredients – “uhh… I think I also need this” she looked at the blood vials and picked 1 that said ‘virgin’s blood’. She thought long and hard about it.

But at last, she convinced herself that she remembers the recipe right for this 1. She began the brewing process, adding ingredients one at a time, and lastly adding a drop of virgin blood, she chanted in a language the giant did not understand and the contents of the cauldron turned into rainbow-colored oily-looking liquid. She poured it into a bucket and handed it over to the giant outside her window. The giant drank the contents and complained – “Eww! It’s bitter!” The witch chuckled.

The giant looked around impatiently – “so….i’m not small yet..??” the witch nodded -“will take effect in a week or less, give it time” The giant girl left excitedly and waited patiently. Days passed by and she noticed herself shrinking in size. Before 2nd week ended she was the size of a human. Seemingly all was well, she married the man she was in love with and then she got pregnant. But with time, over the course of months, she noticed herself getting shorter.

She found herself shrinking by 1cm every 3 months at a constant rate. Over the course of the next few years, she shrunk more and more until she was no larger than an ant, and then she continued shrinking more, until one day she found herself small enough to end up in a quantum realm. Nobody knows what happened to her after, it is said to this day she continued shrinking more and more