Divine Boredom

Lira was fast asleep, while Raya was bored. Hector was desperate for a sip of tequila and a shot of liquid nipka, which was vodka with a bit of catnip juice. He sat there, clawing at his seat as night had come a few hours prior, with most of the passengers fast asleep. 

Shaking his head, he exclaimed, “Nyaaatt! Cannyat sleep without it! I need it!”

He thought to himself as he leaped off his seat, landing on all fours before straightening out and walking down the aisle of the train wagon—an economy class overnight, with a basic ticket. On both sides of the aisle, there were two basic recliner chairs. He walked past a man in glasses reading a newspaper, and a young boy in a chef’s outfit who, to his fright, was sharpening his cleaver. The boy glanced at the cat, grinned, and then returned to his duty.

Hector walked past an old wizard seemingly creating a whole world in a snowglobe, and then a witch—a snoring witch. Hector knew little of wizards and witches, only that their clothes were often enchanted and their enchantments were priceless. He stepped on a coin, bent over, picked it up—a 50per, enough to buy absolutely nothing. He rummaged through his bag, felt the coin purse inside. It was mostly empty but would be enough to buy him a couple of drinks still.

An idea popped into his head: ‘What if I steal the witch’s hat? Surely that’ll buy me the entire bar-car!’ He grinned mischievously and dropped to all fours, leaped onto the chair arm, then the backrest, and down onto the empty seat by the witch. Carefully, he grabbed her hat that was resting on her lap, pulling it into his teeth. ‘Success,’ he thought to himself as he walked down the aisle of the wagon with the witch’s hat in his paws.

She awoke a short while later from a buzz in her ear, a mosquito. Slamming her hand against her ear, she snapped out of her dream and glanced around, dazed. “Huh!? Ahh! Darned bugs!” She leaned back in her chair, feeling for her hat with her hands, but it wasn’t there. Jumping out of her chair and onto the aisle, she looked around in panic. “My hat!? HAT!? Hat, come back!”

But it wasn’t there; it was nowhere in sight, not even on her head. She gasped. The hat, she needed it. Why? Well, because. She extended her hand. 

“Luminos Sphere!” she spoke a simple spell. A small spark flickered in the palm of her hand and faded a second later. “Grrrr!” she groaned.

The hat was her focus; she needed it to magic. It’s quite simple, you see: every magic user has an item they resonate with, which helps them focus their magic powers. 

“Why am I telling you all of this?” asked the bored goddess lying atop the wagon roof where Lira was. “Well, the long and short of it is, she can’t magic, and witches are so used to magic that they can barely function without it.” She grinned, looking at the night sky above her.

Lira stormed down the aisle of the wagon, stopping by the wizard who just glanced up at her. She pointed at her head, which was not decorated by a pointy, iconic hat. The wizard, needing no words to understand her, simply shook his head. 

“He had no clue about her hat; he wasn’t paying attention to anything, lost in his own world of creating a world inside a snowglobe. The powerful wizard cared not for all that was around him,” exclaimed the goddess atop the roof.

As Lira made it to the door, she pulled the handle and swung it open. The goddess snapped her fingers, and the door opened as expected; “But did it?” she said with a wink. Lira took a step through the door and found herself in the next wagon over. She walked through the mostly empty lounge wagon where a young couple was cuddling on the couch to her left. Seeing nothing out of the ordinary, she opted not to disturb them and walked on. “She’s going the wrong way,” observed the goddess.

Does Lira 

1) look around for clues and details? 

2) leave the wagon and proceed to the next one? 

3) ask the young couple if they have seen anyone with a pointy, iconic witch hat?

She glanced at the door and noticed that the handle was different. Unlike the previous wagon where the handle was just a notch by which she pulled the door open, this handle was round and required turning, kind of like a house door handle. “Odd,” she thought to herself, and then decided to ask the couple anyway. She approached them, held out her finger, and spoke, “Truth Speeketh thy shall!” Nothing happened; the young man turned from his girl and glanced at the witch. “Pardon?”

She awkwardly pointed her hand out the window. “I said… WHAT THE HELL IS THAT??” She gasped, looking out at the endless ocean beyond. Glancing over her shoulder, she saw that the opposite side also revealed just ocean. “What the hell is going on??” The young man shrugged. “We’re on a cruise…? What? Do you not like public demonstrations of affection?” he inquired politely. His girl’s gaze darted between him and the ocean.

“What cruise?” asked Lira. The goddess grinned, peering through the window of the cruise ship where Lira now found herself. 

“The erhm… Sky-farer cruise between Lerona and Magnolia?” he asked, confused. 

Lira frowned, “Uhh yes, of… of course!” she stuttered, uncertain as to how she ended up on a cruise ship when the room was still shaped like that of a train wagon.

She approached the door, took a deep breath, and turned the handle. ‘Ting..ting…ting…’ the springs in the door recoiled. She gasped, suddenly feeling uneasy at the oddly loud spring in the door handle. As she slowly pulled it open and peered inside, she saw a bloodied altar, a man crying in the corner of the room, and an inhuman growl emanating from the door on the opposite side. She slammed the door shut and took a step back. “D…uhm… Wrong… direction!”

She awkwardly stumbled over her robes, almost tripped, and then hurried towards the door from which she came. The young couple watched as she swung the other door open, leading to a train wagon, much like the one she emerged from. 

“But it isn’t,” commented the goddess peering through the window. But Lira didn’t care, nor did she notice at first. She walked right through the door into the familiar wagon and let out a sigh of relief. 

“Now she’s going the right way,” pointed out the goddess. “Sort of…”

Lira hastily walked down the aisle of the wagon she came from, but something was odd. What caught her attention was walking past her sleeping self. She backtracked a few steps and observed herself, without a hat on her lap. “What in the hells is going on? Why am I here and here at the same time?” The goddess chuckled outside the window. “It’s like a time paradox when you travel back in time and see yourself, except this won’t break the reality, as I’m making sure she doesn’t cause a paradox.”

1- she pokes at her sleeping self. 

2- she decides it’s a bad idea and walks on.

3- she causes a paradox by interacting with the wizard who hasn’t noticed her yet. 

4 – she checks the previous door again.

She poked at her sleeping self, who turned her head away and mumbled. She chuckled. “Gosh, Lira, so childish! But… why did nobody tell me before that I snore so loudly?” She looked genuinely upset for a moment, and then an idea popped into her head. Pulling out a pen, she drew whiskers on her face, giggled again, and walked on. The goddess sighed. “Why is she so childish? One would think a magic wielder would be more careful about interactions… Gahh!” She groaned, fading from existence.

Before Lira could reach the door handle, she felt something touching her face. There, before her, stood the goddess, invisible not only to the naked eye but also to the human and wizard’s eye. In fact, arguably only a cat could see a god who chose to be invisible to the rest of the world.

“Fortunately, the furry bastard is a few wagons ahead, towards the locomotive,” replied the goddess to no one in particular. 

“So, why did they choose this option? I’m not a good artist…” She complained, attempting to replicate the drawing of whiskers on Lira’s face carefully.

“You might be wondering why I am drawing this by hand. ‘Why is she drawing it by hand? She’s a goddess,’ is what you’re thinking. Well, yes, but time paradoxes are a b…tch! And I don’t want to piss off the overseer. The best way to avoid a time paradox is to, well, fix it by hand!” She explained while finishing up the whiskers. 

Lira, taken aback by the sudden touch, felt for her face and smudged the fresh ink slightly on her face.

“NOO! YOU STUPID B…WITCH!” Cried the goddess as she proceeded to rub the sleeping Lira’s face with her finger. 

“Who’s there?” asked Lira, hearing the voice. 

“I’m not who, I’m Raya!” 

“Who?” asked Lira again. 

“Gahh… no, seriously, she’s a little stupid, isn’t she?” mumbled Raya under her breath, then snapped her fingers and waved. “Hi! I’m bored and here to have fun with you. Now, stop making my life complicated and go find the damned cat!”

Lira furrowed her eyebrows at the goddess. “Wait a second, you’re the one making MY life miserable. Why are you complaining?” 

Raya sighed. “I’m not the one messing with time paradoxes!” 

“Yeah? Well, I’m not the one sending an innocent person back in time, you stupid god! Hmph!” Lira turned around and headed for the door. 

“Yeah? Well…careful with the handle; it might…” Lira ignored her, reached for the handle, grabbed it, and then gasped as she felt a wet, sticky tongue on the palm of her hand.

She pulled her hand away. “What the hell?” 

The door handle licked itself. “Oh, hey girl!” It spoke to her. 

“Eek! NO! INFERNO DISINTEGRO!” She screamed, pointing a finger at the door. A tiny plume of smoke came out from her fingertip, and then she dropped to her knees. 

“No! I can’t even deal with a perverted mimic handle!” She cried. “Stupid goddess, open the door.” But there was no response.

“Mimics are interesting creatures; they vary in size and species, and most are, in fact, completely harmless.” The goddess explained to no one in particular while adjusting her glasses. “So you might be wondering… why am I explaining all of this? Oh, no reason, I just like mimics; they’re funny. One time I saw a mimic sneak into a girl’s wardrobe and take a shape of… OUCH! WHY DID YOU HIT ME? OHhh… Can’t talk about that? Sorry, Ashlandis… Ahem, so, yes, mimics can be quite ‘fun-ny’.” She commented, crossed her arms, and pouted.

“Hey girl, so? Touch me, come on! Rub my handle and I might just unlock for you…” The door handle spoke. 

“N…no…” Lira complained while examining the door. 

“Fine, fine… I’ll let you pass for one scratch!” 

Lira frowned. “What am I scratching?” She could hear a grin in the mimic’s voice. 

“I have this unbearable itch on the underside. Scratch it and I’ll let you through.” 

She pondered. “Your… belly?” 

The mimic wiggled a little. “Yes, please! I beg of you, oh gracious witch!”

She glanced at her nails. “Fine…” Then, she ran her nail down the underside of the handle. 

The handle wiggled slightly and creaked open. “Oh, thank you! Oh, and… beware of the couch; it likes to hug.” The mimic spoke as the door slid open. Lira walked into another wagon – a sleeping wagon – slightly more luxurious than the economy class wagon she had been in. In this wagon, each row of seats consisted of a small couch, perfect for napping.

As she walked further, the wagon became stranger. It was getting larger and wider. Each couch was larger and longer than the previous one until she reached the end. Glancing over her shoulder, the other side of the wagon appeared tiny and minuscule. However, the couches in the first row were enormous, large enough to fit two bears on them. “Ah yes, the odd perspective world; it’s partly a trick on visual perception,” explained Raya, lying down on a tiny couch at the other end.

Lira felt tired; all this strangeness was rather exhausting, and the couch seemed so inviting, so soft. She yawned. ‘Could do for a nap and find the hat tomorrow,’ she thought to herself. ‘Mayhaps the goddess would leave me alone then.’ 

The goddess grinned. “Nuh-uh! Not every day a feline steals a witch’s focus and gives me a chance to have fun with her!” explained Raya with a smug grin on her face.

“Why, you ask? Well, simply put, witches and wizards are strong. We, gods, don’t like to mess with them; otherwise, they start messing with reality magic, and then it’s just a pain in the butt!” She complained. “Why did I have to be a goddess of a world with magic?” She mumbled. 

“Hmph! Stupid wizards! I’ll just… rid the world of magic! Yeah! That’ll show Nerlin what happens when he forces me to fix the fabric of reality after bringing books into reality!” She jumped up from her couch, full of resolve, and glanced at Lira, who was sitting on another couch, embraced by its large, soft cushions. “Ahh, her? Yes, she’s the protagonist here! Well, she’ll be fine; enjoy the rest of the show while I go remove the magic.dll and adjust the world.config.” 

She snapped her fingers and disappeared. Lira sat on the enormous couch, its soft cushions wrapped around her like a large teddy bear, embracing her from behind. “Oh, sweet child, I’m so sorry this happened to you,” Lira sobbed quietly. “Yes, yes! And can you believe it? She blamed ME for her troubles.”

After sobbing into the cushions that embraced her for a while, the couch patted her back. “Well, little witch, you must go and regain your powers once more. That which you seek lies just beyond the horizon.” Lira glanced out the oversized window at the event horizon of a black hole and sighed. “No thanks.” The couch shook its armrest. “No, I meant it figuratively, just beyond the door. The door is the hor… I failed that one, didn’t I? Just… it’s beyond the door!”

Lira got up from the couch, brimming with confidence. “Yes! I got this.” 

The couch chuckled, “Yes! Go get him, tigress!”

In that moment, Lira remembered the whiskers she drew on her past self, which the goddess then drew on her, and blushed. “No, no, that’s uhm… it was just…” 

The couch pushed her with a soft and gentle shove. “Go, go, tigress!”

Lira nodded, approached the door, and poked the handle cautiously, fearing it might be another perverted mimic. Fortunately, it wasn’t, and she was relieved. As she pulled the door open, beyond the small connector hallway, a bar-wagon was revealed. Sitting at the barstool was a lone feline kin. The dark-furred cat man, wearing a bandana and displaying some lighter spots, licked clear liquid from a shot glass.

The barman, an elongated furry creature with a raccoon mask on, turned and bowed to her with a hint of hesitation in his movements. The feline glanced at her, then turned around on his stool to face the other way, lazily leaning on his arm as he continued to lick the liquid. She approached the bar, her gaze darting to a hat – her hat – sitting on a chair behind the counter.

“What can I getchu?” inquired the barman, pretending to be busy cleaning glasses. 

“Uh… that.” She bobbed her head at the hat. 

“I’m afraid that’s not liquid,” responded the barman after a quick glance at the object of her interest. 

“No crap, but it’s mine.” 

The barman shook his head. “No, t’was the furry fella’s who traded it for some nipka!”

She furrowed her eyebrows. “So you’re the thief?” 

The cat licked louder, ignoring her. 

“I know you heard me.” 

Its ears twitched, but the feline remained silent. 

“Ugh, I don’t care; that hat is quite personal to me and useless to anyone else. Trade it for an artifact?” 

The barman looked up from the glass he was cleaning. “Useless to others? Artifact?”

She sighed. “Long story short, each magic user needs a focus, which allows us to, well, focus, duh! Without it, we can’t use magic! That hat is my personal focus; nobody else can use it, so it is, quite literally, a useless piece of junk to everybody else.” 

The cat let out a sigh. “Darn it, should have taken your medallion instead.” She threw a death-threatening glance at the cat, silencing him. “I’ll give you my ring; it comes with an enchantment of levitation!”

The barman didn’t take long to consider it; he just nodded at the counter on which a ring clanked a moment later. He grinned behind the raccoon mask. Grabbing the ring, Lira walked around the bar, glancing down at the cat thief who awkwardly averted his gaze as he proceeded to drink. With fur wet from the booze he was sipping on, he stank of alcohol. Reaching over the counter, she grabbed her hat, put it on, and then spread her hands. “NOW! I CAN…” but nothing happened.

“Uhuh,” the barman replied, glancing over the ring. The witch extended her hand: 

“LUMINOS LEVIO!” Nothing, not even the smallest of sparks, occurred. 

“What? Why can’t…what is happening?” 

The cat chuckled. “Oh my, what’s wrong, missy? Can’t magic?” 

She frowned at him. “INFERNO’S EMBRACE!” Again, nothing.

“Oh, yeah, so, about that.” Raya, the goddess, stood behind the bar, patting the otter in the raccoon’s mask. “I decided to pause it for a while. So, want to head back to your wagon now?” She grinned. Lira rolled her eyes. 

“Why are you like this?” 

The goddess stuck her tongue out cheekily. “Like what? Well, tell you what, once the chef finishes his trial, I’ll restore the magic system. You should help him! And cure the cat of alcoholism!” She tasked Lira, who watched her suspiciously.

“You want me to help some chef, and cure an alcoholic cat to restore my magic?” 

Raya chuckled, “Not just yours, everyone’s… Well, have at it! I have some super busy important things to tend to now! And yikes, Overseer seems angry too! Well, gotta go, bye!” She faded from existence, leaving Lira alone with an alcoholic cat and a creature in a raccoon’s mask.

The barman shrugged. “Don’t drag me into this, I’m just a barman.”