Rabbit in the Spartaland

Very well! The story setting is set! Tonight’s story is about an adorable dwarf bunny who is our protagonist and is to undergo a ritual of becoming of age they call ‘aqder’. It shall be no easy feat for our brave little bun. Prepare yourselves, kick back and enjoy

 On their 2nd birthday of his, Oliver, our dwarf bunny protagonist was to undergo the ritual of aqder, a challenging ritual to prove he’s ready for adulthood and becoming a pet! Surely, Oliver was prepared! He spent all those years preparing for this, and although he knew he was weaker and smaller than most others, being a dwarf bunny after all, he was as fearless as he was cute! And so the day has come. Oliver was summoned to the council of bun buns!

The elder bun, a flemish giant rabbit, was the oldest and wisest of all the buns! Elder spoke to the young dwarf bunny who looked like a little child in comparison to him – “Are yo…” wait what am I saying? bunnies don’t speak – He clicked and hummed at the young Oliver! Who replied with a confident stomp and then another. The elder nodded and then kicked over a bottle of wine which spilled into a bowl. He stared at the bowl filled with wine. Oliver knew what he had to do.

 Oliver hopped his way to the drinking bowl and began to drink up the wine. It didn’t take long before he could sense himself getting drunk at a ‘rabbit’ pace… Oliver continued drinking because the challenge of aqder required a bun to drink for 1 minute straight before proceeding! and so he kept on licking up the wine! And the time was up and another bunny hopped proudly in his place which let Oliver know he had completed the pre-requisite for the ritual. He hissed and fell over.

Oliver struggled to get back up and then decided to sit and try to regain balance as the world spun around him! But little did he know that the time was up for him to rest and his departure was imminent. Before he could squeal, a portal opened by the elder, and Oliver was pushed through it by another bun, in an epic slow motion drop-kicking Oliver through the portal.  Oliver fell face-first through the portal and found himself in the ancient city of Sparta, in the middle of a wrestling ring.

Before Oliver had time to even realize where he was, he had a big bulky man falling on top of him. He quickly lept out of the way and dodged the falling body as he attempted to sprint out of the wrestling ring. However, he was swiftly caught by Sergios Constrantinoulis, the 2nd son of king Leoshmidus Megakickerus!  Sergios remembered the prophecy told to his father by the oracles -‘ and your savior will have a form of cuteness which can not be described in human terms’ And Sergios nodded.

Sergios knew that to win the upcoming war they had to use all means necessary. He tossed the drunk dwarf bun Oliver to his son who was age 15 and told him- “take this 1 with you to the trial of death! Should you both survive, he shall become our talisman in war.” His son nodded confidently – “yes father!” Sergios’s son was to be sent to the trial of death next week as he has turned 15. At 15 spartans would send their boys to the woods and leave them there to survive a week on their own

(this is not historically accurate just FYI, i believe historically the age was 13)

And so Sergios’s son, Menelaos sat that night by the campfire with his new friend Oliver, an adorable dwarf bunny by his side. Oliver still had no clue what was happening, but he could understand their speech and knew his survival would heavily depend on this boy who was to survive a week in the forest on his own. Oliver did not consider his chances very high so he simply cuddled up against the boy and went to sleep. When he woke up, to his surprise he was sleeping in bed beside the boy.

A few days passed as the boy trained and prepared for his trial, and Oliver, too, trained… as much as a bunny could! He did hop-ups… hops… long-distance jumps and sprints! Oliver felt ready as did the boy. Menelaos, the boy picked him up and put him on his shoulder on the day of their departure as Oliver hissed loudly as he could… pretending to be a ferocious beast, which just made Sergios pat him. Sergios gave his son a waterskin of sweet smelling liquid to take with him to the challenge.

And thus the 2 departed. Escorted by 3 warriors to the depth of a dark forest, the boy and his newfound friend found themselves in the middle of the forest at night. Before either even had a chance to think of any plan, the moment guards retreated, they heard wolves howling. The boy quickly grabbed his spear as Oliver sniffed the air around and trembled, following the boy’s footsteps. Oliver sighed in the realization that he is likely not going to survive his aqder and will never become a loved pet.

Moments passed until they heard movement in the bushes. Oliver’s senses tingled as his flight instincts kicked in, but the boy, Menelaos, held his spear firmly and pointed it at the bushes. Oliver couldn’t leave his new partner alone, so he firmed up his stance and stared at the bushes!!! Not a moment later from the bushes a massive wolf pounced on the boy. His spear pierced the beast’s belly as the boy tumbled to the ground with the wolf howling and clawing at him.

The boy screamed in fear and pain as the beast attempted to bite his neck! In this commotion, the waterskin of sweet-smelling liquid fell to the ground and began leaking. Oliver instinctively went up to it and started drinking the liquid. He realized the familiarity of the taste, it was wine… oak barrel-aged wine. The sweetness of it left a pleasant aftertaste as Oliver’s eye turned blood red, his heart was beating super fast as he suddenly felt a surge of energy pulse through him.

and suddenly, our adorable furry friend Oliver found himself leaping through the air at half mach speed in an epic drop-kick motion. Kicking the mighty and fearsome wolf in the face. And we all know force = mass * acceleration, and our little friend had plenty of acceleration at this moment. The wolf’s fangs shattered and rained down on the boy and the body of the beast was thrown 10 meters away until it collided with a nearest tree. A loud sound of breaking bones filled the night’s silence.

The boy rose to his feet and dusted off… Still shocked by the little bunny who stood before him now in a fighting stance, panting. As the boy turned to look at the wolf’s corpse the bunny leaped into the air, and landed on his head. Menelaos knew this was the hero of the prophecy his father spoke about.

And for the next 5 days and 4 nights, Menelaos would give a few drops of wine to his heroic new friend, a dwarf bunny, at any sign of threat. Though of course, being a spartan man he fought alongside the ferocious bunny. On the last night, as they approached the target area, the boy found himself surrounded by a group of bandits. And the waterskin was almost empty, but the remaining few drops of wine he gave to Oliver who once again powered up from it.. Blood and teeth rained down

as the fierce battle raged on. A spartan teenager and a fierce dwarf bunny vs 12 bandits! This battle went down in history as ‘the glorious battle of coming of age ritual’. And thus they made it to the meeting spot where the boy was to meet the guards who would take them back to Sparta. The boy told Sergios, his father, all about his fierce fighting and combat capabilities of Oliver. And thus they named him ‘Kouneláki téras’ which roughly translates to – monster rabbit!

And thus Sergios took the monster bunny to the upcoming battle against the Persians who were to attack them in numbers of 400 000! And Sparta was but merely sending 420 warriors and 1 rabbit to match the persians. Sergios spoke -“AND AS OF TODAY THE SPARTANS SHALL BE REMEMBERED IN HISTORY AS THE GREATEST WARRIORS EVER TO EXIST!” and then he picked the rabbit up “AND Kouneláki téras WILL BE THE HERO OF THIS WAR! Konstantinos, did you bring the wine?” to which 1 of the spartan soldier in the ranks, nodded vigorously, slapping a 50-liter barrel of wine – “HOORAAHH!!” he shouted and Oliver leaped into the air from joy and excitement of getting drunk and kicking some ass! And so the spartans departed to war! And leading them was Sergios, accompanied by Oliver. An unexpected but a welcomed ally for sure, the spartans were eager to battle and see the power of the monster bunny. The trip took them merely 3 days of march and thus they made it to the battlefield.

It was an open field! (Unlike what that silly sci-fi movie of 299 and a half spartans led you to believe) and Sergios smelled the air – “you smell that?” he said to Oliver who sat on his shoulder.. The rabbit smelled the air and couldn’t smell anything besides cow manure from the nearby farms… Oliver shook his head and Sergios laughed – “oh course not… it smells like nothing yet! but soon it’ll smell like wine, blood, and victory”

The night had passed and the brave spartans could hear the march as the ground shook beneath their feet at dawn. The Persians were approaching! He ordered spartans to all take a sip of the wine! This was no mere wine, this 1 came from Britannia… He knew not of what to expect of this wine, and to his surprise, not only the bunny but every spartan mane became more energetic from this wine. They all seemingly obtained superhuman characteristics. And thus before the army of Persians.

Before the army of Persians could even realize what was happening, the 420 spartans led by a monster bunny were charging through their ranks. Throwing men and war elephants aside like they were made of cotton. Thousands of Persians were slain before they knew what was happening. The Persians scrambled into formations but that did not stop the spartan charge! Sergios grabbed Oliver the bunny by his ears and tossed him far as he could into the enemy ranks! Oliver hit an enemy war elephant head on

KNocking it to the ground as he fell to the ground himself with a concussion. Shaking his cute little bunny head in confusion he suddenly found himself picked up by 1 of the Persian soldiers. He didn’t like being picked up against his will so he bit the soldier’s finger off, kicked him in the face with enough force to knock half his teeth out, and then spirited away! Except… he sprinted in the wrong direction, towards the persian king

And thus… Oliver faced an unexpected foe…. an army of….cats! But no mere cats, drunk.. cats. THey hissed and pounced on him but Oliver was faster and wiser than the silly cats. He dodged them before they could even spot him and knocked them out 1 after another! Until he faced him… the… Fat cat… Fat cat rolled over on his side clumsily, which stunned Oliver as he did not expect to face a cute foe on this battlefield

The fat cat struggled to flip over until 1 of the Persian elite soldiers, known as the ‘undying edgelords’ helped him up. And thus the mighty opponent of our adorable dwarf rabbit stood before him, and beside him, an elite persian soldier from the undying edgelord legion! But, Oliver was not alone, from a distance, loud shouts filled the air as Sergios suddenly crash-landed beside Oliver, raised up, and drew his sword- “Go little bunny! I’ll deal with the edgelord” he said as he flexed his perfect abs

And thus Sergios and the undying edgelord clashed. 

Fierce sounds of battle filled the air as Oliver slowly hopped his way towards the classy looking fat cat, who, suddenly jumped up on his hind legs and tied a kung-fu band around his head- “meee-ooowwwwweeeee” the cat screeched as he assumed a kung fu stance. In response to it, Oliver assumed a rugby dash stance, and as a tooth from Sergios landed on the ground between them, that was their cue to begin the battle! Oliver dashed.

His speed was incomprehensible to mere humans! But to the fat cat, his movements were no faster than a fat cat’s. The cat stepped aside to dodge the reckless bunny, clearly underestimating his kungfu. The bunny, flying past him, slapped him with his tail sending the fat cat tumbling to the ground as he struggled to get back up again. Oliver dashed again, this time aiming his superman punch at the cat’s fat belly but the cat countered the incoming attack and scratched Oliver’s nose instead.

The fierce battle of an adorable dwarf bunny and a fat cat raged on for what felt like… 7 minutes. But then the effect of the wine wore off and both animals fell to the ground. Sergios grabbed Oliver and sprinted back through the enemy lines back to their territory, feeling himself weakening every moment as the effect of the amazing British wine wore off. Back at their camp, the spartans were visited by a fat and a skinny brit. Adeptus and Obliques who did not look British at all in fact.

The fat brit picked up the wine and left without a word as the skinny one attempted to explain to the exhausted spartans that it was a magical potion brewed by Mobius from a magical place of Python-landia, but spartans were too exhausted to understand any of it

Sergios, who was missing a tooth at this point, collapsed with Oliver laying on his chest. They slept the night away and awoke to the sound of scrambling and retreating armies of Persians. A single rat stood on the battlefield on top of a mountain of Persians. He had a cane in his hand as he looked at a fat Raccoon asleep behind the spartans and sighs… Oliver knew this was no mere rat… not hard to guess I suppose.

As the spartans all awoke and tried to come to their senses from a massive hangover they were having, Oliver found himself dragged through a portal back to the land of domestic rabbits. The elder giant bun stood before him and hummed happily. The bunnies all around rejoiced at Oliver’s return.

And thus Oliver was at last awarded a medal, and granted permission to become a domesticated pet to a loving family. He rested for a week straight after his insane journey before he was sent to a pet store and was put up for sale. Merely a few days later he was bought by a young girl and became her pet but he found it when he arrived at his new home… The city was covered in dense fog. He awoke the same night from a loud scratching sound of something heavy being dragged on the road. But… he was in a cage, a house pet, and he had no means of knowing what it was.

And this shall conclude the most insane story i had ever written… I think…